The F Word

FEBRUARY! There, I said it. I hate this month.

Today is my anniversary. It's been seven years since just one sentence changed my life forever. It's been seven years since I've been cancer free. Now you would think that I should be happy over this "achievement" but every year I dread this date. I've tried to change my attitude many times but it has never worked. Usually I just hide on this day, feeling sorry for myself. I figure if I have to try and forget about it for 364 days of the year, I deserve one day of self-pity. A few years ago I met another young survivor and I was surprised to find out that she felt the same way about her anniversary date. She was smart though and took that day as a day for herself, going out to eat at her favorite restaurant, getting a spa treatment and then indulging in some shopping therapy. While that does sound VERY appealing, I just can't get myself to that point yet.

I've been told on many occasions that over time things will get better, easier. I'm sorry but that is just not the case. I've had seven years to test this theory and it hasn't worked yet. To me, cancer is like the plague and I fear every day that it will return at some point. I also live with the "battle scars" and it's hard to look at them and not think about what brought them to be. Would I like to forget? Sure! Who wouldn't, given the choice? Have I ever wondered what my life would have been like without cancer? Never. I've never gone down that road and I don't think it's wise to. Do I ever think about the future? Yes, but I can never bring about a picture of the distant future when DH and I are older. What does that mean? Honestly, I don't know.

They say that cancer cannot rob you of your hope but I disagree. Many of my hopes were crushed with this awful disease. Dreams too. Dreams are easier to get over though as some just may not be realistic (that's why they are called dreams) but hopes are close to your heart and something we should all have to survive. So in reality, each year when my anniversary comes up, I'm not only reminded of that dreadful day seven years ago but also of some of the hopes that have been lost or that will never be.

So, how will I spend today? Unfortunately work would not grant me this day off so I will be among people but in a fairly miserable mood I imagine. I've never spent this day with people before, besides DH that is. Maybe this is what I need. I don't know. Who's going to want to hang out with an emotionally unstable female? It's not like I'm going to share my grief with anyone at work though. If I have a meltdown, it should be interesting to say the least, and maybe then work will listen to me next time when I request a day off ;o)