Wednesday, August 14, 2013

A Much Needed Rant!

I'm not sure just how much more I can take... A journey is one thing but when it turns into a rollercoaster ride, that's another. You can't get off those as easily and the constant ups and downs are enough to drive you crazy. I want to scream, curse, cry, shout and literally curl up in a ball; never to re-immerge. I want to yell that life isn't fair but that doesn't change a thing. One day cancer is going to kill me and I have no control :o( Nada.

Awhile ago DH and I thought that things were looking positive. It seemed like the Calyx was working and the spots on my chest looked as if they were getting better. I made the mistake of letting my guard down. I was beginning to think that this could be the right drug and maybe remission was possible but how wrong I was. This past weekend I found a group of spots on my back, very similar to the early stages of the ones on my chest. It does not look good :o( This Friday I'll have another CT Scan to see what's going on. I doubt it will be good news.

To add insult to injury, it looks like my Chemo will be put off. Right now I have a swollen lymph node in my right leg that's causing it to swell big time. In order to reduce it, the doctors are talking radiation. Okay, I can handle that. The problem I have is that I will have to be away from Junior and my Chemo is put on the back burner; both for an unknown amount of time. Due to the type of Chemo I'm taking, it cannot be given at the same time as radiation. So basically I'm gambling; fix the leg but risk being unprotected or continue on with my Chemo and live with the disability the swelling is causing. How do we know if we've made the right choices?

I can't explain to you how hard it is to watch your life go by, only to know how it's going to end. I suppose only people in this situation know what I'm talking about. I look at Junior every day and wonder how much of his life I'm going to miss. Will I make it to his fifth or twelfth birthday? Will he remember his mother and know how much she loved him? Will he resent me for dying and leaving him alone without a mother?

I know my little man will be in good hands :o) This is not easy for DH either and I think he's terrified of the idea of being a single parent. My parents just bought a house here and will continue to live here as long as they are needed (they still have their home in NB). I've totally changed their lives even though I'm being reassured that this is what they want to do. I'm very blessed and grateful that they are here for us but it's still not easy for me to see what I've done to them. What's it like for them knowing that their only child has cancer and that they might outlive me?

Oh how I want to just break down and have a temper tantrum! To kick my legs and flail my arms about, all the while screaming "Why?" Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I end up with cancer? Why do I deserve this? Why do I have to be taken away from my DH and DS? Why can't I have another ten years to watch my child grow?

At least my suffering will end someday. What I worry about most are those that are left behind :o( How are they going to cope? Will I be able to watch over them? I'd like to think so but that's a whole other conversation for another time. Thanks for listening if you've gotten this far ;o)

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Sweet 1-6

Can you believe that Junior turned 16 months old today? My little baby is now a toddler and I have no idea where the time has gone. My little bundle of joy is much bigger than when he was first born but at least I can still hold him in my arms :o)

It's been awhile since I've posted about Junior so I figured I'd give you a fix and you can see just how much he has grown.

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This child is so smart. I have no idea where he gets it from! One day it was raining and he brought his shoes to DH because he wanted to go out. DH told him that it wasn't nice out and 'if' he were to go out, he would have to wear his boots (of course DH didn't think that our little man would understand any of this). The next thing DH sees is Junior standing in front of him with his rain boots in hand! LOL! At this point, he couldn't deny the child ;o)

Junior LOVES bubbles! It's one of the words he can say too :o)

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He also loves eating them... We have no idea why he's driven to do this. We have no idea why he won't eat a perfectly good vegetable but then he turns around and eats a handful of rocks, no questions asked. Sigh! LOL! He is one complex little man. But he makes us laugh and it warms our hearts so that's all that matters.

Thank you for all the lovely comments you left about Roses :o) I enjoyed reading every comment. I want to welcome some new Stalkers and I hope you'll continue to come by for a visit. I've made some time to visit some Blogs so you may see me out and about the Blogging world. I can't tell you how much I have missed reading what everyone has been up to :o)

Monday, August 05, 2013

Long Overdue Stitchy Post

It's been SO long since I've posted anything remotely related to stitching that I hang my head in shame. LOL! Do not fear though because this Pumpkin still has a needle in hand and has been working on a number of different projects :o) Now to just light that fire under my a$$ and take some pictures...

For awhile I have been promising you an updated picture (sorry it's so dreadful) of Roses Of Provence by Mirabilia so here she is -

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Her dress has expanded since my last update. I've also done more since this picture was taken but I've also taken a break from her. Not to worry, I'm not getting sick of her! I just find that in the heat of the summer, I stick to smaller projects and she's not as portable either. My hands are itching to get back to her though and I'm sure it won't be long before they do. I miss her :o)

So, has everyone gotten their JCS Halloween special edition magazine yet? There are some beautiful projects in there but I was a bit disappointed though because there didn't seem to be a lot of ornament sized pieces. Am I the only one that thought this? I can tell you one thing though, I absolutely LOVE Ghoul Tidings by Plum Street Samplers! BTW, there is an error on the chart for this design. Now to patiently wait for the Christmas ornament issue...

I want to thank everyone for sharing your tricks on how to keep on top of Blog reading now that Google Reader is gone. I've checked out the other sites that were mentioned and I'm still not sure what I'm going to use yet. For right now I'm going to stick with Bloglovin' but it doesn't mean that I'm happy with it ;o)