What Cancer Is Not...

And that is stupid. As far as mine goes anyway. Apparently the one I have is a Harvard graduate! Lucky me ;o)

Let me back up a bit so that you will be caught up in my 'life's little drama'. In my A Much Needed Rant post I had mentioned that I was going to have a CT Scan. I got my blood work done beforehand but because my creatinine levels (has to do with kidney function) were so high, they could not use the dye during the scan and therefore, the scan was not as detailed as we would have liked :o(

What the scan did reveal was that I had a mass pressing against my left ureter (the tube that connects the kidney to the bladder) :o( Sound familiar? They brought me in on Sunday, August 18 for what I expected to be a routine procedure; they were going to replace my right stint and put in a stint on my left side...again.

All was not right with the world when I woke up :o( When the doctor was attempting to put in the left stint, there was too much blood so it was aborted. The next day I went in for another procedure where they go in through your back. The stint was put in but the doctor also 'installed' a Nephrostomy Tube so that my kidney could drain properly (the mass even tightened the stint too much for my kidney to work properly). To make a long story short, I was on the table a third time to stop an arterial bleed and the doctors also put in a larger Nephrostomy tube. So after five days in the hospital, I was finally home with a pretty battered body and an annoying drainage sack in tow. Sigh!

This past Wednesday, DH and I drove into the 'big city' and met with my Oncologist, Radiologist and Urologist. I have quite the entourage now! See how special I am? ;o) We got down to the nitty gritty this time, asking some of those difficult questions, and this is where I stand as of today...

I had mentioned before that my right leg was swollen and that we were looking at the possibility of radiation; that is not going to happen because it won't fix the problem. Now my left leg is as swollen as my right and I have very limited mobility :o( I'm now carrying and extra 20 pounds of liquid around with me. Imagine attaching a ten pound weight to each leg and trying to go about your normal day. That's basically what it's like for me. The doctor explained that Chemo would be the only way I would get rid of this swelling. That's if the Chemo worked...

The cancer lesions on my chest are...horrific. I won't candy coat it. It is spreading at a fast rate and new spots have appeared on my back. It's like someone has taken a bandage and tightened it as tight as they can around my chest. Add in a third degree burn sensation and you might have a 'slight' idea of what I see, feel and deal with each day. Chemo will be the only way that this would get better. And that's if the Chemo worked...

Today I will try another new Chemo, Gemcitabine. This is my fourth or fifth Chemo and the last attempt to prolong my life. Yup, we're at the bottom of the barrel as my Oncologist says :o( If this doesn't work, I'll be taken off Chemo altogether and left to wait. I'm told that this cancer won't kill me through some major organ but that it will slowly suck the life out of me. How come I didn't get that cancer that never made it passed Grade 6? Why did I get the Harvard graduate?

The new Chemo will be one day a week for three weeks with one week off. It doesn't filter through the kidneys so we're hoping that it will give my guys a much needed rest and therefore, my creatinine levels will continue to stay low. Unfortunately right now I'm battling with my hemoglobin. I'm down to 85 and if that goes any lower I may be looking at another blood transfusion :o(

To say that I'm frustrated, tired and angry is an understatement. DH and I have been having some much needed conversations and there's plenty more to look after but I need my body to cooperate with me! I may be in bed a lot but my spirit is still high and my fight is as strong as ever. I want to kick this MOFO's ass!!!! I know my cancer will never be cured but I will fight for more time, whether it be a month, six months or a year. I don't like it when something or someone else tries to take over. This is MY LIFE and I will decide how things go, right up to the end.

I'm going to stop now because this post is getting way too long. One more thing before I go...I want to thank you so much for your comments, emails and cards. I can't explain how much they have meant to me. Just knowing that I have so many people backing me makes me feel that much stronger. Please continue your good thoughts and prayers because I do truly appreciate them :o) I've been trying to respond to each of you but there are times when I do get behind. I know you understand. I also want to welcome my new Stalkers! I'm glad you've stopped by and I hope you will continue to do so. ((((HUGS)))) to all of you!

A Much Needed Rant!

I'm not sure just how much more I can take... A journey is one thing but when it turns into a rollercoaster ride, that's another. You can't get off those as easily and the constant ups and downs are enough to drive you crazy. I want to scream, curse, cry, shout and literally curl up in a ball; never to re-immerge. I want to yell that life isn't fair but that doesn't change a thing. One day cancer is going to kill me and I have no control :o( Nada.

Awhile ago DH and I thought that things were looking positive. It seemed like the Calyx was working and the spots on my chest looked as if they were getting better. I made the mistake of letting my guard down. I was beginning to think that this could be the right drug and maybe remission was possible but how wrong I was. This past weekend I found a group of spots on my back, very similar to the early stages of the ones on my chest. It does not look good :o( This Friday I'll have another CT Scan to see what's going on. I doubt it will be good news.

To add insult to injury, it looks like my Chemo will be put off. Right now I have a swollen lymph node in my right leg that's causing it to swell big time. In order to reduce it, the doctors are talking radiation. Okay, I can handle that. The problem I have is that I will have to be away from Junior and my Chemo is put on the back burner; both for an unknown amount of time. Due to the type of Chemo I'm taking, it cannot be given at the same time as radiation. So basically I'm gambling; fix the leg but risk being unprotected or continue on with my Chemo and live with the disability the swelling is causing. How do we know if we've made the right choices?

I can't explain to you how hard it is to watch your life go by, only to know how it's going to end. I suppose only people in this situation know what I'm talking about. I look at Junior every day and wonder how much of his life I'm going to miss. Will I make it to his fifth or twelfth birthday? Will he remember his mother and know how much she loved him? Will he resent me for dying and leaving him alone without a mother?

I know my little man will be in good hands :o) This is not easy for DH either and I think he's terrified of the idea of being a single parent. My parents just bought a house here and will continue to live here as long as they are needed (they still have their home in NB). I've totally changed their lives even though I'm being reassured that this is what they want to do. I'm very blessed and grateful that they are here for us but it's still not easy for me to see what I've done to them. What's it like for them knowing that their only child has cancer and that they might outlive me?

Oh how I want to just break down and have a temper tantrum! To kick my legs and flail my arms about, all the while screaming "Why?" Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I end up with cancer? Why do I deserve this? Why do I have to be taken away from my DH and DS? Why can't I have another ten years to watch my child grow?

At least my suffering will end someday. What I worry about most are those that are left behind :o( How are they going to cope? Will I be able to watch over them? I'd like to think so but that's a whole other conversation for another time. Thanks for listening if you've gotten this far ;o)

Happy Birthday To Me!

Yesterday was my birthday. What did I get this year? A snotty cold from darling Junior and a new Chemo drug from my Oncologist :o) Aren't I a lucky girl? LOL!

Yes, you heard me right, I'm going to be going on 'another' Chemo drug :o( The last one wasn't showing results and in fact, the tumors on my chest have been getting worse. I know that usually the third time is the charm but maybe in this case it will be the fourth. Fingers crossed because my playing field is narrowing even faster. Sigh!

That's pretty much where we are at this point. I start my new Chemo (Caelyx) tomorrow and it will be once every four weeks. Oh how I pray that this will be the one to kick this cancer's ass! The tumors under the skin are very uncomfortable, not to mention ugly looking (but that's the least of my worries). The doctor is also going to send me back to the Radiologist for another consult so maybe we can fry some more of these 'things' off.

Since my last post, life has been full of ups and downs. My red count level went WAY down and I ended up with a blood transfusion :o( Not the first thing on my wish list but the doctors were worried that I wouldn't bounce back so easily as time went on. I was SO tired too! At least now I have a little oomph to my step. I have blood work again tomorrow so hopefully things will look much better.

I'm sorry that my last post was really dark but I needed somewhere to open up. After I posted it and talked to the Oncologist again, I realized I knew all along that there would be no cure. Nope, I have this thing for the long run :o( The only thing we can hope for are in-between periods were cancer doesn't rear its ugly head and I can try to live as close to a normal human being as I can.

It sure does put a new perspective on life. Now my thoughts are mostly about getting my affairs in order, how to teach DH my banking system, leave Junior something so that he'll remember his mother and learn new things about her, figure out where or if I want to be buried but most of all, how can I ease the pain I'm going to inflict on my family and friends when that day comes.

WHOA! Okay, we're getting way too dark and way too serious and I can't end this post like that. I promise I'll post some pictures soon :o) I have a new one of Roses Of Provence and I'm sure you all need your Junior fix since he's not in the monthly spotlight anymore. LOL!

To those of you who have emailed me or sent me birthday wishes, I want to thank you so much for thinking about me :o) My email is just too backed up right now so I apologize for acknowledging your thoughtfulness in a group. ((((HUGS))))

Waiting For A Cure Or Buying More Time?

This is the million dollar question it seems! Twice in one week, I had two professionals on my team ask me whether I knew if my Chemo was to cure my cancer or buy me some more time. Hmmm...well, I guess I 'thought' it was for a cure but when I really think about it; it was just an assumption on my part. No one has really told me what my outlook looks like.

In the beginning, I think the Oncologist thought it was going to be a fairly open and shut case. Yes, I will always have a chronic health condition and yes I'm at Stage 4 breast cancer but I think their thinking was radiate that bone, rip out those ovaries, put her on some meds and she'll be good to go! I don't think they figured, and neither did we, that we'd have all kinds of other surprises popping up along the way.

I guess I figured, and so did DH, that if I was 'terminal' the Oncologist would have told me. Now, I'm not so sure. It took a long time for them to tell me that I was Stage 4 so I have to wonder if information is being held back. Don't get me wrong, I have a responsibility to ask questions and keep up to date on what's going on with me and my treatment but after much thought, I know why I never brought this question up before anyone else did...

I'm afraid to know. I'm afraid that if it's really bad news, it will obliterate every single piece of hope that I'm hanging onto at this very moment and then things will only get worse. I'll completely shut down and there will be no bringing me back from that dark space that I'll have crawled into. I know it. DH knows it. And that's probably the reason why he's never asked the question himself. He's just as afraid as I am.

I mentioned in my previous post that I had another CT Scan coming up. Well, I had it and we have another glitch :o( Everything remained the same except the lymph node under my left arm. It has only enlarged because of the lumps on my skin (which are not getting any better btw). So, there was no discussion, the Oncologist put me on a different kind of Chemo, hoping that these lumps won't be as tolerable to the new poison.

Yes, that means a change in our defense. Now my schedule is Day 1, Day 8 and then a week off. That's considered a cycle and I've completed one so far. Three cycles are done before another CT Scan is ordered again. Thankfully I tolerated the other Chemo quite well because this one is not as kind :o( I have some new sides effects, none of which are fun, and I've lost quite a bit of weight. The Pumpkin trucks on though!

So that's where things stand here. Fatigue is still my biggest enemy so again, emails are very few. Your comments do keep my spirits up though and I always look forward to reading them :o) I truly appreciate them. I promise I will keep up the fight though. Hey, maybe this should be my new slogan -

Where Or Where Has Pumpkin Been?

I know I promised you an update awhile back and I apologize it's taken me this long to do so. When I 'do' get computer time, I'm either answering emails (only a few), updating my Blog (rarely), checking in on other Blogs (not a lot) or keeping up to date as to what's going on in the cross stitching world. Hey, at least I still have that craving from time to time ;o)

Four weeks ago I ended up sick after my Chemo treatment (I think it was a bug) and it took a HUGE chunk out of me. My mood drastically darkened because of this and I had a hard time digging myself out of that hole. When Junior's birthday rolled around, it was like "I've been living with this crap for a year now! When will it ever end?" The last thing I want to do is think about cancer on my son's big day. Another reason to hate this disease so much >:o(

I had hinted in a post awhile ago that I had some positive news and I do! Back in February I had a new CT Scan and when they compared it to the ones I had in October and December, it showed that my tumors had either disappeared or shrunk in size :o) This was super news but it was darkened by 'another' setback...

Since January, I had been developing these lumps on my skin around my left breast. I had a biopsy done and it was concluded that they were cancerous. D'uh! I knew that. What they didn't do was examine to see if they were the same kind of cancer we're dealing with or if it's something new. Whatever the outcome, the lumps didn't seem to be responding to the Chemo and kept spreading and growing larger :o(

We met with my Oncologist and he felt that because the tumors on the inside were responding well to this Chemo that we would continue on with it. That means it is a wait and see game with the lumps on my skin. They are very painful and I have one that is quite large to the side of my breast. This coming week I'll get that sucker radiated so hopefully that will help. DH and I have noticed that some of the lumps have shrunken and they haven't spread in the past month so we're hoping that's good news.

Also this coming week, I'm going to have a new CT Scan. We're hoping things will look even better and then maybe we'll get an end date for my Chemo. That would be so nice! Even though I seem to be tolerating it pretty well, I'm SO tired! I sleep a lot. I could sleep even more but I don't want life just passing me by.

Every day it seems like I'm living on a fine line; one where I have to balance things just right or else everything just comes tumbling down on me. Yes, I am getting tired of this whole thing; mentally AND physically. I want cancer out of my life. I know it won't be gone completely (it will always be on my mind) but even if I didn't have to have Chemo treatments anymore would be a vast improvement ;o)

I want to thank everyone again for their wonderful emails and comments, even if I don't get back to you straight away. My Blogging Buddies are never far from my mind and I'm always wondering what you're up to. I miss you all and I'm glad that you've stuck around to keep me coming back :o) A HUGE ((((HUG)))) goes out to you all!

How Am I Doing?

I just realized that I haven't written an update about myself since the end of January so shame on me! It's been awhile since I started with my Chemo so you must be wondering how I'm doing and what I've been doing with my time. At least I think you must be wondering ;o) LOL!

As of last Thursday, I've made it through my third Chemo treatment. It comes once every three weeks and I get my Pamidronate while I'm there so there's no extra travelling. We didn't go to Halifax this time but we were there on January 30 to see the Oncologist. This appointment was MUCH more positive than the last and it was nice to see a smile on my doctor's face again. I knew when we went in on January 9 that things were not good and it showed in his face.

DH and I are being 'cautiously optimistic' because the inflammation on my left breast has gone down significantly :o) The swelling in my groin remains but the swelling in my right leg is much better. Just last week, some of the numbers from my blood work came back with positive results. All this combined; it has raised my spirits but my guard is still up as well.

We do have one thing that is worrying us at the moment and that's why I'm still hesitant about the good outlook. I have developed a number of bumps around my left breast and on my sternum. They are just under the skin and very hard. And they hurt :o( There is no doubt in my mind that it's cancer but I'm waiting for a biopsy. Why they have developed and why they aren't getting better with the Chemo, we don't know.

I have to say that I'm doing fairly well with the Chemo. I've gotten nauseated but haven't thrown up. My appetite has been affected somewhat but at least my weight is remaining steady. I am TIRED but I've got help and thank goodness because I'd never be able to do this on my own! My parents have moved down here for a few months :o) They have a place of their own and they come over three days a week to look after Junior. On the other two days, I have a friend who helps out. So far this system works wonderfully and it allows me to put my feet up and rest but still be around for Junior if he needs me.

If I'm not looking after Junior or sleeping, I'm probably doing a bit of stitching and keeping up to date on The Walking Dead series :o) O-M-G! I'm sad to say but Prison Break has lost its role in first place for favorite television series! Okay, put aside the zombies...it really is an excellent show. Really! Trust me ;o)

Other than that, I don't have time for much else (as you can see by my Blog and my emails!). I'm getting cabin fever but I'd rather be squirreled away than risk getting that awful bug that's going around :o( That's the last thing I need. People have been so good too about not coming around if they think they are getting sick.

Finally, I am embracing my bald head :o) Two very thoughtful Blogging friends sent me pumpkin hats so I'm good to go. LOL! I even have a wig! I haven't worn it out in public yet. Do you know what my darling son did the other day? He took off my hat that I was wearing and kissed my bald head :o) How can I not feel confident when I have such a special supporter on my side?

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Yup, literally!

DH, Junior and I went down to Lunenburg on Saturday and I was all spiffed up; looking good with my new bob hairstyle and feeling great because the swelling had been keeping itself down for almost a week. There was hair coming out when I styled it that morning but not enough to panic over and the stuff remaining on my head was pretty solid.

Come Sunday, the dam let loose! I was noticing lots of hair here and there so I went to the bathroom tub to shake it out. One graze of my hand brought out a small handful of brown, and then another, and another. So much had come out that I looked like someone had stuck a hair piece on the top of my balding head! It just kept coming and coming so finally I just told DH to buzz it. It was time...

Okay, I 'thought' I was prepared for it but when I took one look at myself in the mirror after DH was finished, my heart just sank :o( The only way I can describe it is that I looked like an old sick woman. The top of my head still had about a half an inch of hair but the back and the sides where all patchy. Why couldn't I just go straight to the bald point? Would it make it any better? I don't know. Sigh!

Now I sport a hat around the house. I have yet to face the world... I look tired, sad and deflated. My self esteem has taken a HUGE beating, which will certainly affect my confidence. My little boy looks at me and laughs because he thinks Mommy is clowning around with things on her head. If he only knew the truth.

And it hurts. Yes, losing your hair like this does hurt and I'm not sure why. Have you even woken up from a good sleep and had your hair messed up the wrong way so that it's very tender to touch? That's exactly what it feels like, but all over. Well...where I have hair left that is ;o)

I haven't cried yet. I haven't really had much of a reaction at all and that worries me. I feel like someone has driven over me with a truck but that might be from all the walking I did on Saturday. But maybe not. I think this has taken quite a toll on me mentally. I just don't know how to react. I thought for sure I would cry but what I feel is more like numbness.

If you look at the positive side of things (and I believe you have to in order to make it through something like this), my showers will be A LOT faster! LOL! No more shampoo, conditioner, brushes, hair dryers, flat irons, hairspray, elastics, haircuts...I could go on :o) What a weird feeling.

I also get to wear hats and lots of them! So far I have about half a dozen. I'm trying to track down a pumpkin hat and something a little outrageous. Hell, I might as well have fun with this while I can! I have to have the ability to laugh at myself otherwise the seriousness of our situation would kill me.

We meet with the Oncologist on Wednesday and as long as my blood work comes back okay, I'll have my second chemo treatment on Thursday. I doubt I'll have any news for you. He wants me to have at least 2-3 treatments before they do another scan. We can only continue to hope that this all works. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for me or have kept me in your thoughts. There's definitely enough of you so maybe the cancer will be scared away ;o)

 

Goodbye My Locks

Sigh...this is going to be another hard post for me to write but I thought you should be aware what is going on around here at the Pumpkin Patch.

I know my last update was kind of positive even though I was quite tired. Unfortunately, the further we got into December, the worse things got :o( Yes, I did finish my Cycle 2 even though I was quite ill the very last day of my treatment. Yes, we did go back to NB for the Christmas holidays and it was great! It will be listed as one of the best Christmases in my books :o)

But on Boxing Day evening I found myself in the Saint John hospital getting another stint put in, this time on my left side. This was THE worst hospital experience I've ever had! DH and I only got to talk to the doctor before the surgery and we were told that the tube was inflamed and not blocked. Other than that, we have no idea what he saw when he put the stint in. I was discharged without consultation >:o( And my doctors here STILL don't have that report!

It seems that my cancer does not like me at the moment because it was not responding well with the first Chemo treatment like we had thought. Towards the middle of December it started attacking my lymphatic system, causing fluid to build up in my groin area and my right thigh. This makes things very uncomfortable and debilitating unless I stay off my feet but how easy is that with a nine month old????

Like that wasn't enough, around the same time I developed Inflammatory Breast Cancer :o( It started on my left breast and has spread across my chest even though Righty is just an implant. Apparently there is still 'some' breast tissue left on that side. I thought I had written about IBC on my Blog years ago but I cannot find the post. For me, it started innocently enough with a bruise-like appearance on the underside of my left breast but it quickly developed into a red rash. But the real telltale sign of IBC is when the skin turns to an orange peel appearance and feel. It's very tender and sore and unfortunately there is nothing they can do about it. My only hope is that the Chemo will work and the inflammation will go down with time.

Speaking of Chemo, since my first one didn't work I am now on a new one that I have to get by IV every three weeks. It only takes about a half an hour to administer and I can get it the same time I get my Pamidronate so there are no extra trips to the 'little city'. The only unfortunate part is that I will lose my hair :o( Sniff! I love my hair but I am preparing myself. I'm getting it cut shorter on Wednesday so hopefully when it does come out; it won't be as much of a shock. DH has already bought me three hats for my wardrobe :o)

Needless to say, my spirits have been quite low. I mean, how much more can one person take???? But I won't be beaten and I'm ready to fight again. If only this Chemo would work and take away some of the symptoms, I would be SO happy! I'm tired of the pain and the fact that it's taking even more time away from doing things with Junior. 

I hate the fact that my Blog has become such an unhappy place :o( I have considered closing it down but I love Blogging and I love keeping in touch with my Blogging friends. I'll keep it going for now. I'm doing a bit more stitching so if I can just get some time to take some pictures, maybe I can get this Blog back on track.  I want to thank everyone for sticking with me through this adventure :o)

 

The Not-So-Good, The Unpleasant & The Bad

I know the last time I posted about my situation; I didn't leave you with very much information. Unfortunately, the way things have been going, I haven't been given the opportunity to update you until now. As you can see by the title of this post, I've warned you that the news won't be great :o(

On October 26, I met with my Oncologist. Since cancer cells were showing up in my lymph nodes and radiation would only treat specific locations and not the whole body, it was decided that Chemo was my next step. After a quick debate, I went with the oral form. I would take pills every day for two weeks straight and then take one week off. That would be considered 'a cycle'. At that time, we didn't know how many cycles I would be looking at.

So, that Monday, I started swallowing ten pills a day (on top of my others!) but then that same night I found myself going to the ER with an extreme pain in my right side :o( The doctors felt that I had backed up bowels (because of the narcotics I'm on) and sent me home with a prescription. Less than 8 hours later, I was back again with the same pain. Needless to say, I was not feeling very 'human' like on Halloween and missed seeing Junior and the children coming to the door.

During all this, I ended up stopping my Chemo for almost four days, not knowing what the real cause of the pain was and because I wasn't eating or drinking very much. By Sunday, I had had enough (the pain was still there) so it was off to the ER again, knowing that my doctor was on call :o) He thought we 'might' be looking at a kidney stone but he wasn't 100% sure so he ordered another CAT scan and luckily I got in on Wednesday afternoon.

A quick side note...because I'm given a drug called Pamidronate every four weeks, they have to monitor the creatinine levels in my kidneys through blood work. Too high a level can cause kidney damage. I was due my Pamidronate on Thursday so had my usual blood work but it showed my creatinine levels were high. After another repeat test and the levels being even higher, my treatment was cancelled and I was told to stop my Chemo altogether. By this time, I was just short of getting a full week in of Chemo when I should have been almost done a full cycle.

Anyway, when I got home Wednesday night I was NOT prepared for what awaited me when I came in the house :o( From the time my scan was done to the time I got home, DH had heard from my doctor and my Oncologist. The scan showed that a mass was blocking the tube that goes from my right kidney to my bladder and it was not a kidney stone. To add insult to injury, they found another mass on my left side :o( I can't even begin to tell you how defeated I felt at that moment. All I could see were years of my son's life being missed because I was gone. I had a MUCH needed emotional breakdown.

Are you still with me? LOL! The following day we found ourselves at the QEII in Halifax where Dr. B. placed a foot long (at least!) stint in the blocked tube. It was just day surgery but I was put under. Talk about a HUGE relief when I woke up though! Without the pain, I felt like a new woman :o) Depending on what happens with the mass, the stint will either be replaced or taken out in 2-3 months.

So that brings me back to those 'masses'. After talking to my Oncologist, this is what I know...a 'mass' doesn't necessarily mean a 'tumour'. It could be an enlarged lymph node BUT it could still be a tumour. Seeing as I had enlarged lymph nodes in that area back in June, we're hoping that's what they are but the only way to tell the difference is through a biopsy and they're not going to do that.

The action plan now is to repeat my blood work today (hoping the creatinine levels are down now that my kidneys are back in proper working condition) and if everything looks good, I will re-start my Chemo like it was a new cycle. It looks like it will take at least 2-3 cycles to determine if it is taking effect or not. That will be the hard part...waiting. My Oncologist still sounds very positive so that in turn has lifted my spirits enough to continue on this journey.

This journey, yes, that's what it is. Something I thought would only take over my life for a few months has lasted much longer. It's worse than an unwanted guest overstaying his welcome ;o) But as DH says, we'll have to look at it like it is a journey and we'll do it together as a family. My family, my friends and even people I don't even know have been there for me and I can't ask for more. Despite my situation, I am VERY fortunate. I have a devoted (and perfect) husband, a son who is a miracle joy, caring and thoughtful friends and a solid family wall of love and support behind me. THOSE are the 'things' I need to focus on when the road gets rough and there is no journey without rough terrain.

I know a lot of you have sent me things by mail or by email and I'm ashamed of my backlog. I have been keeping up with my Thank You notes so expect something in the mail if you sent me something and have not had a confirmation by email. Unfortunately emails have been put on the back shelf for now but I AM reading them all and appreciate all your wonderful notes and comments! So far I have responded to all comments on my Blog but for this once, if you left a comment before this post and don't require me to respond, I won't. I'd really love to clean up my inbox and that will certainly help. LOL! It doesn't mean that your comments mean any less to me! I hope you understand. Thank you :o) Let's see how life gets on now...

Good News & Bad

This post is long overdue but each time I've gone to write it, I'm either too tired or my heart just isn't in it. For this I apologize. I know there are a lot of you who are wondering what has been going on around here so hopefully this will bring you up to speed if you don't already know the latest.

I'll go back to my radiation treatment back in August...in all, I had ten sessions. Luckily, I had minimal side effects. It was the fatigue afterwards that really hit me but we muddled through :o) DH extended his time off until October 1 so I had another month to recoup with someone else helping out with Junior. As the days went on, I was feeling better and better. My pain medication was decreasing and so was the pain in my sternum. Things were going well until...

During the Labour Day weekend, I had picked Junior up when something went funny in my left armpit. The pain sliced right through me. As I waited to see what was wrong, it became apparent to "me" that it was my lymph nodes. Over a period of time, the area would swell and then go back down again. I went to the ER, my family doctor and the Medical Oncologist (MO) and they all said that it wasn't the lymph nodes. My family doctor thought it might be in the bone so I went for another bone scan. It came back clean. My sternum area was still lit up but that can either be from the radiation or the cancer but since it was showing improvements, it's more likely that it was just the radiation causing this.

The MO decided to do a CAT scan as well since it was at least three months since my last one. The good news is that there were no other tumours anywhere and my pelvic area was clean. Even the lymph nodes that were enlarged in that area were good. The bad news...there was an additional 'hole' in my sternum, close to the original one AND I had three enlarged lymph nodes in my left armpit. DH says I should be a doctor ;o)

The MO felt that since the new 'hole' was within the radiated area, it would be treated and he wasn't worried about that at the moment. Based on what he saw and my history, he felt that the lymph nodes were an indicator that the cancer was back :o( He talked about doing radiation on the area but the Radiologist said it would be best not to. Now there is talk of chemotherapy.

Unfortunately this is all the information I have for you at the moment :o( This Wednesday we'll meet with the Radiologist and then on Friday, the MO. DH and I are full of questions since we pretty much feel we've been left in the dark. The lymph nodes are constantly swollen now and have put pressure on some tendons or ligaments in my arm, not allowing me to straighten my arm without a lot of pain. This runs the whole length of my arm. Because of this, my pain medication has been increased a bit; otherwise, I'd probably be off of that right now.

I wish I had more to tell you at this time. It was a huge blow for me to hear the 'C' word again :o( I'm SO TIRED of this and it's been very hard to keep my spirits up lately. Thankfully DH and Junior are my cheering squad and they do look pretty cute in their cheerleading uniforms ;o) LOL!

As soon as we know more, I will post again. Hopefully it won't be a drawn out thing. DH and I just want to get on with our life...

Again, I want to thank everyone for their support. It truly means a lot to me and us :o)

Radioactive Pumpkin

Ha! Sounds like I should be a comic book character doesn't it? :o) 

Today was my first day of radiation treatment. Physically, fairly basic and simple. It's about a 15 minute procedure, although they did take some x-rays in that time frame as well. I lay on a bed/table, much like a CAT scan, and the machine works around me. I'm fitted into a mold of my body and they align me using the 'tattoos' that they gave me a week ago. Two to three minutes later and I'm out the door! Yes there are possible side effects but I'm told they should be minimal.

Mentally, not as straight forward as I thought it would be. During the past couple of weeks, the real toll of what's been happening has risen to the surface. There have been a number of hiccups along the way and although I remain strong, I find myself struggling with my emotions. Anger and sadness are the top two contenders.

Tomorrow we return to the Big City for round two of my radiation treatment. Since my last post, I met with the radiologist and he upped my sessions to ten :o( So that means one down, nine more to go... As far as the pain goes, they told me it might disappear right away or it could take 6-8 weeks after radiation. I'm hoping for the former but any pain relief is good in my books.

I also had my first treatment of Pamidronate. This is a lengthy procedure but painless IF the nurse manages to get the needle into your vein the first time. Honestly, my veins are a nurse's dream! Go figure... There is one side effect that I have noticed and that's a body ache/stiffness afterwards. It only lasted a few days so it wasn't too bad.

I met with the Gyny Oncologist today as well. Things look really good and I'm free to start exercising AND pick up Junior :o) That was music to my ears! Well, to be totally honest, I have been cheating for the past week. LOL! I miss that little boy so much. I still have to be careful because of my sternum but at least I have the green light.

I know I haven't been around much but like I said, there have been a few hiccups along the way. I have managed to put in some stitching and I have even finished a project! Woohoo! Now all I need to do is catch up with my Blog posts so you can see for yourself and know that I'm not fibbing ;o)

Again, a big thank you to everyone who has left a comment, emailed or even snail mailed me :o) I wish you could know just how much your support and friendship mean to me. I know this is supposed to be mainly a cross stitch Blog (with a few of life's bumps thrown in) but it's been consumed with my current health situation. I see I've lost a few Stalkers and it may be because of that, I don't know. Cancer has robbed me of friendships along the way so I really appreciate those that stay. Stay tuned for something fun!

And So It Begins...Again...

Tomorrow I will find myself (for the second time), battling 'The Big C'. Unfortunately this time it's not as simple. The doctors cannot give me the treatment and then say "You're cured!" No, this time the cancer is here to stay :o( Now it's all about making me comfortable (from the pain), getting my body into remission and keeping it there.

A few weeks ago the surgeon called to let me know about the pathology report. It was found that because it's been 12 years since my breast cancer, the cancer cells are presenting themselves a little differently but...they 'believe' the new sites are breast cancer related. That leaves me with a bit of doubt in my mind but that's the best they can give me unless the treatments don't work and prove them wrong. Great system, don't you think? I know I have some of the best doctors on my case but after my initial experience, it's hard to put my full faith in someone else's hands.

So yesterday, DH and I went into the 'big city' to meet with the Medical Oncologist. The day had finally arrived where I would know the plan of attack. In a nutshell, my treatment will consist of the following...

I'm being put on a drug called Letrozole (brand name Femara). For how long, I don't know. It's similar to Tamoxifen and does the same thing by lowering what estrogen levels I have left in my body. If the cancer were to return, then that might be the point where chemotherapy is called for. The doctor believes that my outlook is good considering the length of time since my breast cancer back in 2000.

I'll also be given a drug called Pamidronate every month. It's given by IV and takes about 2-3 hours. This will help strengthen my bones and aid in rebuilding the hole in my sternum. We'll have to travel to the 'little city' for this.

Finally, there will be radiation on my sternum to help with the pain. I have an appointment next week with the radiologist so we'll know more about this then. The oncologist said it 'might' be a five day course and that it will be fairly soon. I'm not thrilled about radiation but the pain is getting worse. I've tripled my long lasting pain medication and it still hurts...a lot!

Right now, DH and I are still trying to wrap our heads around what is happening and how it will affect our lives. It took me eight years to get over the fear of my breast cancer returning and now...well now I have to live with the fact that this is being treated like a chronic disease and I'll be screened for the rest of my life :o( There is no escaping it this time. But...I am stronger so I'm sure I'll be able to figure out a way that cancer doesn't take over my life. I've got two very good reasons right here with me ;o)

I just cannot get over all the wonderful cards/emails full of support, prayer and friendship, along with thoughtful gifts that will help alleviate some of the financial burden. It touches my heart that we mean that much to people. I've tried my best to send out thank you notes or reply to Blog comments but if you didn't leave an email address, I could not get back to you personally.

So here's to another direction in life! Hopefully the road will be much smoother than I anticipate.

Super Mode Saturday!

I have no idea what is up with me today but it's definitely not normal! To begin with, I was up at 6:30am with DH. For those who don't know me very well, I am NOT a morning person ;o) So what's up with that? I have no idea... DH wasn't the only one to question this odd behaviour because when he was talking to his dad on the phone this morning, he was surprised at my early appearance too. LOL!

I was hardly done breakfast when I dug out my Charmed Flake by Hinzeit. I know I said I knew how I was going to finish it but that has changed ;o) After looking and measuring I realized that this piece was perfect for a cube! I'm quite thrilled with the result -

What do you think?

We had one fabric shop in town and it's closing its doors :o( I went in the other day and found the perfect backing fabric for this project -

I'm not 100% happy with my bow but I will 'let sleeping dogs lie' -

I've decided to keep this for myself but would love to make another for the Pumpkin Patch Breast Cancer Fund. The only problem is...how do I get the embellishments? They came with the pattern so does that mean I have to buy the pattern again? :o( I wonder if Hinzeit can help.

When I was finished with my cube, I had beads on my mind :o) I dug out my tote and was inspired to make a scissor fob/cell phone charm -

This WILL be a donation for the Pumpkin Patch Breast Cancer Fund! I'm not sure what scissors I will put with it but they're on my DMC ones for the picture. The fob is made with Swarovski crystal beads, sterling silver findings and ribbon charm.

The morning disappeared before I knew it. I did some more work on cataloguing my DMC threads and finally I settled myself down and took out Sabrina. She's had a lot of attention lately so expect a progress picture soon ;o)

F@&%ing February

The month I hate and loathe the most is here :o(

It's hard to believe that eleven years ago tomorrow, I was in the doctor's office hearing the words breast cancer for the first time. What's even more eerie is not only is it the same 'date' but the same 'day' of the week. Approximately 12 hours from now I could relive the whole thing over again in real time. Weird!

To give myself credit though, I have gotten a lot better over the years. At first I used to be a mess about a month before and a month after. Then it was a few weeks before and a few weeks after. Slowly it transitioned to just a few days before. This year seems to be a little different though as I have been unsettled for most of January. I'm really hoping it will pass once I get over the hump. They say that things get easier with time and yes they do but the fear that accompanies cancer never fades :o(

At least I can say that I do have eleven years under my belt :o) And thanks to a wonderful bunch of ladies, to celebrate my tenth anniversary, you helped me raise almost $900 last year for the auction at the Attic Needlework! I was so pleased with the success of it that I have decided to continue our efforts again this year :o) If you would like to join in on the fun, please email me and I will send you an invitation to join our group. To check out our Blog, just scroll down the right side of my Blog and click on our new logo (thanks to Nia!).

Before I go I thought I would share with you a lovely picture that I took this morning -

Yes, I should have kept my big mouth shut! Our lush green paradise has been converted to a white desert and we are still digging out :oS I really shouldn't complain though since this is the first real snow we've had all winter. If my winter is going to consist of just a few months instead of four, then I'm happy with that ;o) LOL!

Out Of Hiding

Sabrina is back and you should see quite a difference from the last time I showed you an update :o) I have the front part of her dress completed, all except the beading -

I may have to do the beading during the days when I have more light but we'll see how things go. I want to bead this area before moving on to the middle of her skirt.

I'm still in love with her and very pleased with how well she is coming along. To be honest though, I am disappointed that she won't be finished by the end of the year :o(

It seems that I have been holding out on you all because I have some fantastic news to share! I got a call last Friday and was told that my mammogram was clear :o) That means that I 'officially' have ten years under my belt! What's even more exciting is that Jean, from the Attic, will be posting pictures soon (supposedly this week's newsletter) with some of the items that will be up for auction. If you are not subscribed to her newsletter, you can view it on the web site.

Mom and Dad will be arriving this afternoon for a visit :o) I'm SO glad that the rain has FINALLY ended and it's supposed to be a sunny weekend. Since my blisters have not healed yet, I've been forced to wear my Crocs (without socks). My poor toes were purple this morning. LOL!

Due to the fact that my parents will be here, I probably won't be around very much but will pop in to check emails ;o) Have a great weekend everyone!

Please Don't Pinch Me...

...because if I'm dreaming, I don't want to know ;o)

I blinked once, I blinked twice and then a third time but the same email stared right back at me. I've read it again and again but it still says the same thing...

I WAS THE WINNER OF THE DINKY DYES PRIZE FROM THE NEEDLEWORK SHOW!!!!

OMG, OMG, OMG!!!! I can't believe it! I just can't stop smiling either :o) I will receive THE FULL SET of their silks. How many is that? I think 180. Can you say heaven? Sweet!

It's funny because on Saturday, DH was watching television while I was working out my answer to the question that was asked for the contest. I kept asking DH questions about Australia until he finally looked at me strangely and asked me what the heck I was doing. When I told him and then interjected that it was approximately $700 worth of silks, realization hit but he still shook his head ;o) I NEVER thought I would win. EVER!

I'm hoping this is a good omen because (early) tomorrow morning I have to go for my yearly mammogram :o( I'm officially in my eleventh year now so hopefully it will all go down smoothly. I was at Frenchys (used clothing store) and bought this T-shirt -

Appropriate, yes? LOL! I know I've done this for ten years now but it still doesn't get any easier. Even though I'm trying not to think about it, it's still in the back of my mind and probably a good reason why I don't feel so great this week. Fingers and toes crossed :o)

I had another WONDERFUL surprise last night when I got an email from my dear friend Irene. She FINISHED stitching the Happy Pumpkin Day 2010 pattern! She's fast ;o) I hope she doesn't mind me 'borrowing' her picture -

Please visit her Blog though to see how she finished the back. I'm tickled pink because it came out better than I had hoped :o) Great job Irene!

It 'Moose' Be Fall!

DH and I are visiting my parents at the moment and having a very nice time :o) The leaves are much more colourful although the high winds have taken a lot of them down. I haven't been able to get the pictures I've wanted because of this :o(

What I didn't expect to get a picture of was this -

Y-e-s that IS a moose! DH and I were walking down the road with my parents when we spotted this fellow. There were approximately 225 feet between us. Thankfully he turned into the woods. Nice moosie ;o) LOL!

I want to thank everyone who entered the breast cancer giveaway and who explained to me how to get a screen shot ;o) LOL!

The winner of the DMC Stitch Pink Kit is...MYRA!!!!

Congratulations! I will be emailing you shortly :o)

Tomorrow we leave to visit my in-laws so I will be offline for a few days :o( To all my Canadian friends, have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I was going to write about the third instalment of our vacation today but since it's October 1, I thought that I would post about the important month ahead.

As most of you may know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. It's a reminder to be vigilant of our bodies and to 'squeeze' in that annual mammogram ;o) Mine has been booked for October 27. Yippee...NOT! If you think you need help, then maybe this kind gentleman will do the trick -

There are a few things going on this month that I want you to be aware of :o) First off, Mary Kathryn from Handcrafts Online, has her Pink Pages up! Just click on the daisy and it will magically take you shopping...

I know that in Canada, the CIBC Run For The Cure will be held on October 3. This is a very popular event so look for it in your town or city :o) I don't take part because even though it's been ten years, I still get very upset when I hear stories from other people. I still do my part though! Every month I donate a fixed amount to the CBCF and it's automatically taken out of my bank account.

Hershey's in the US is doing a Tour De Pink :o) It also takes part across the country so check it out and see if there is one near you.

It's not too late to take part in the Pumpkin Patch & Co Breast Fund! As part of my ten year anniversary of being breast cancer free, I found some wonderful volunteers to take part in stitching an ornament and donating it to the Attic Needlework's Silent Auction For Breast Cancer Research. I'm anxious to see how our group does :o) For more details on it and how to join, check out the Blog.

I know I have an ongoing giveaway but what's one more? :o) Last year I gave out a pattern I designed but this year, since I seem to have collected two, I am giving away a Stitch Pink Needlework Accessory Kit by DMC -

I bought one myself and then in the mail today one arrived from sweet Danielle :o) Thank you for thinking of me! (Just so you know, the one I bought is going to be the giveaway prize)

All you have to do is leave a comment on THIS post only and a means for me to contact you if you are the winner. You DO NOT have to be a follower of my Blog to enter. Easy peasy :o) It's more important to spread the word! I will leave this open until Friday, October 8 and will try to post the name of the winner soon afterwards.

Finally, I want to share a quick story with you :o) DH and I were talking one day while we were eating Skittles. All of a sudden an idea came to mind and I told him that they were about the right size for a nipple. I have NO idea where this thought came from! Then the great debate... Would it be a chocolate M&M, a Skittle or a peanut M&M???? I 'think' the chocolate M&M finally won out. ROFL! Now today I was browsing the internet and I see that they have what they call Nipple Badges -

I think I could really have fun with those ;o)

Sixteenth & Seventeenth Finish For 2010

Yes, you are going to see double ;o)

Here is C Is For Cure by Lizzie Kate -

The reason I stitched this one twice was because I wanted one for myself and the other is going on a trip to the US :o)

I made a few changes. I used 28 count Angel Blush Lugana instead of the 28 count Baby Lotion Lugana that was suggested. I figured they must be quite close in colour even though you can't really tell in the pictures that the fabric is a light pink. I also used Crescent Colours Baby Chick for the dots in the flower. It originally called for CC Carrie Berry but it was so close to the CC Ripe Melon of the flower that it just wouldn't have showed up. One disadvantage from having to shop online; you can't hand pick your skeins :o(

Even though it was 39 C today, I managed to finish one of these into this -

What do you think? I was able to get the same fabric that was used for the tuck but I had this pictured in my mind :o) I LOVE the ribbon that I found but like last time, it took me about 20 minutes to get a really good bow. The ribbon doesn't go all the way around the pillow though. I sewed it into the sides. I like that look a lot better.

So where is this one going? I will be shipping this, along with my felted snowman, to the Attic Needlework for their breast cancer fundraiser that will be held in November :o) I hope it's acceptable. I'm always nervous when others look at my work.

I 'had' planned on digging out Sabrina but they are calling for 40 C tomorrow. UGH! I could literally melt a pile of snow if I jumped in it right now. LOL! And then we have the threat of Hurricane Earl heading our way. Maybe he'll blow off. It doesn't make one feel too reassured when they see their neighbour put up plywood on the windows of his garage though :oS

Celebration Time...Come On!

It's finally official, today marks my tenth year anniversary for being breast cancer free :o) Did I think I would make it this far? If you had asked me ten years ago, even five years ago, I would have said "No".

In actuality, it took me eight years to come to terms with my breast cancer. That was when I threw my Pink Party :o) Don't get me wrong, I can picture the whole experience like it was yesterday. That will never fade but the fears have become manageable. I doubt there are many cancer survivors out there that can honestly say that fear has completely gone.

As I write this post, I can picture walking into the waiting room full of people and being ushered right into the doctor's office. I was initially going to get my dressings taken off (I had had a breast reduction) but as soon as I sat down, Dr. H dropped the bomb. It's literally like being shell shocked. Luckily my mother had driven me and was out in the waiting room. Somehow I found my voice and asked Dr. H to bring her in. The rest, as we say, is history but February 4, 2000 will always be the day that changed my life forever.

Awhile ago I posted about doing something special for this milestone in my life. I have yet to figure out what I want to do for myself but I 'do' know what I want to do for others :o) If you're not familiar with Attic Needlework, I highly suggest that you sign up for their newsletter. Each year they hold an auction to raise money for breast cancer research. This past year, they raised just over $20,000!

How did they do that, you ask? Jean, the owner of Attic Needlework, takes in donated ornaments and items from stitchers across the globe. Check out one of their auction newsletters and this will give you an idea of the talent and generosity out there. This year the auction will take place on Saturday, November 20.

So to celebrate, my plan is to donate an ornament but there's a catch...I would like to recruit at least nine more stitchers who will commit to do the same :o) It's a small commitment but the rewards will be great. If there are more than ten people who sign up, then all the better! Jean says that they cannot have too many donations. I would like this to be like real ornament exchanges (although you don't get an ornament back) so please contact me if you want to participate. I will keep track of our progress and perhaps work with Jean to confirm that donations have been received.

Maybe this will give you some inspiration -

I've created a needle felted snowman who sports the breast cancer ribbon and this will be my ornament that I will be donating :o) I'm not sure if he will be the exact one because this was my first attempt and he might need some fine-tuning. Not to mention that he has no arms!

Here's another (bad) picture to give you an idea of how small this wee man is -

I hope you will join me to celebrate the big 1-0 and give a little bit of yourself. There are a few things that I have learned over the years. One, as much as you think it will never happen to you, it could :o( Breast cancer does not discriminate. It might be you, your mother, sister, cousin, daughter or friend. Breast cancer not only affects you, it affects everyone that loves you. Two, breast cancer is not the death sentence that it once was. New treatments and technology are advancing every day. Most importantly though, early detection is the key! I truly believe that if it weren't for my Gram and my DH, I would not be here today. I consider them my Guardian Angels and I want to dedicate this celebratory day to them both :o)