A Much Needed Rant!

I'm not sure just how much more I can take... A journey is one thing but when it turns into a rollercoaster ride, that's another. You can't get off those as easily and the constant ups and downs are enough to drive you crazy. I want to scream, curse, cry, shout and literally curl up in a ball; never to re-immerge. I want to yell that life isn't fair but that doesn't change a thing. One day cancer is going to kill me and I have no control :o( Nada.

Awhile ago DH and I thought that things were looking positive. It seemed like the Calyx was working and the spots on my chest looked as if they were getting better. I made the mistake of letting my guard down. I was beginning to think that this could be the right drug and maybe remission was possible but how wrong I was. This past weekend I found a group of spots on my back, very similar to the early stages of the ones on my chest. It does not look good :o( This Friday I'll have another CT Scan to see what's going on. I doubt it will be good news.

To add insult to injury, it looks like my Chemo will be put off. Right now I have a swollen lymph node in my right leg that's causing it to swell big time. In order to reduce it, the doctors are talking radiation. Okay, I can handle that. The problem I have is that I will have to be away from Junior and my Chemo is put on the back burner; both for an unknown amount of time. Due to the type of Chemo I'm taking, it cannot be given at the same time as radiation. So basically I'm gambling; fix the leg but risk being unprotected or continue on with my Chemo and live with the disability the swelling is causing. How do we know if we've made the right choices?

I can't explain to you how hard it is to watch your life go by, only to know how it's going to end. I suppose only people in this situation know what I'm talking about. I look at Junior every day and wonder how much of his life I'm going to miss. Will I make it to his fifth or twelfth birthday? Will he remember his mother and know how much she loved him? Will he resent me for dying and leaving him alone without a mother?

I know my little man will be in good hands :o) This is not easy for DH either and I think he's terrified of the idea of being a single parent. My parents just bought a house here and will continue to live here as long as they are needed (they still have their home in NB). I've totally changed their lives even though I'm being reassured that this is what they want to do. I'm very blessed and grateful that they are here for us but it's still not easy for me to see what I've done to them. What's it like for them knowing that their only child has cancer and that they might outlive me?

Oh how I want to just break down and have a temper tantrum! To kick my legs and flail my arms about, all the while screaming "Why?" Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I end up with cancer? Why do I deserve this? Why do I have to be taken away from my DH and DS? Why can't I have another ten years to watch my child grow?

At least my suffering will end someday. What I worry about most are those that are left behind :o( How are they going to cope? Will I be able to watch over them? I'd like to think so but that's a whole other conversation for another time. Thanks for listening if you've gotten this far ;o)

Blog-Not-So-Lovin

I see that everyone is changing over to Bloglovin because Google Reader was done earlier this month. Why? Why mess with a good thing???? Anyway, I have joined the bandwagon and added a button for Bloglovin on the right side of my Blog (just scroll down a bit). If you're not following me on it already, please add me now :o) I already moved things over myself but I see there are a few Blogs that were missed so I'm slowly getting them all back.

Today while I was browsing Bloglovin, I noticed there are now adds on there >:o( This does NOT make me happy. Why? Again, why did they have to go and mess with a good thing???? Has anyone found an easier way to keep track of their favorite Blogs? I see that there is an option to Follow By Mail. I wonder how well that works. Has anyone tried it? I'm going to put a poll on the right side of my Blog and I would appreciate if you would put your two cents worth in and lmk what you think :o) Thanks!

PS - Don't forget to follow my Pumpkin Patch & Co Graveyard Blog as well!

Embrace Yourself

I have a confession to make...I have a DLS (dirty little secret). I absolutely hate reality shows but for some reason, I'm drawn to The Hills on MTV. I'm a hypocrite, I know! This show isn't any better than all the others. Probably worse! It's full of twenty-something kids, partying and spending money left right and centre, with little care in the world. Is there any 'reality' to its storyline? I honestly don't know.

On Wednesday night, it was the season premier of The Hills (their final season). So why am I writing about this? Well, let me tell you. I was so completely appalled and shocked by what I saw that I'm still shaking my head. One of the main actresses (Heidi Montag) had plastic surgery...AGAIN. What you need to realize here is that this girl is only 24 years old! Yes, you heard me right.

The first time she had plastic surgery, she had her nose, lips and boobs done. That was in 2007. This time she had...her nose 're-done', her ears pinned back, her eyebrows lifted, her own fat injected into her cheeks, 'more' lip injections, a chin reduction, her back shaped (I have NO idea what this is), 'another' breast enlargement and some inner and outer lipo on her thighs. If you've ever watched this show, I'm sure you were as surprised as I was because she doesn't even look like the same person and this is sad.

It's sad to me because this girl was so attractive to begin with. She blames it all on Hollywood but for goodness sake; grow a set of balls, or maybe get some attached with more plastic surgery! How can someone think so low of themselves that they put themselves through such physical and emotional pain? Does Hollywood and the media have 'that' much power over us? I know that's all we see on television, in movies and in magazines. They're trying to program people to see what's 'perfect' in our world.

But is this realistic? Of course not! Who dictates what perfection is anyway? What may be perfectionism to me might not be for someone else but yet for decades our views of what perfection 'should' be have been shaped and re-shaped. If you want to look at it this way, it's almost like being brainwashed. Literally. Barbie is a good example. For years there has been controversy regarding her image. If her proportions were converted to human size, Barbie would be 5' 9" tall and 110lbs. She would have a 36 inch chest, 18 inch waist and 33 inch hips. Does this seem achievable? If you ask me, Barbie would have one sore lower back carrying around those mangos.

So why can't we be happy with ourselves for who and what we are? It all comes down to psychological. We are bombarded with how we should look so no wonder our brains are occupied with these ideas. We have to learn to shut these things out or let them pass us by. Our minds are what need to be strengthened. We have been born with what we have. You can't go back and change that. You have the ability to mould what you've been given BUT you will still be YOU.

I wrote something similar to this back in 2008 and my mind has not changed since then. There is only one you. Be the person YOU want to be, not what you think you SHOULD be. Embrace yourself and others will follow :o)

A Letter

"WARNING!"
The post you are about to read has some 'not-so-nice' words in it. If you think you'll be offended, please do not go any further.

Dear Credit Card Stealing $hithead,

Thanks to a complete fluke, my DH and I were notified that you somehow confiscated our credit card number and decided to use it at your own discretion. Why you felt the need to do this, I will probably never know. HOW you obtained our card number is even more of a mystery.

I take it since you charged four $220.00 phone withdrawals that you must desperately need the money. My heart goes out to you...NOT! Did you ever stop to think about the people that you stole from? Just because we have a credit card does not make us rich. We are a one income family and a low one at that. Usually if we need money, we go to 'the bank'. Did that ever cross your idiotic little brain? Maybe this is a new concept for you but one you should consider you $hithead.

My money's on the fact that you feel like you just plain deserved it. How selfish and mighty you are. What I find quite amusing though is that you probably think that what you did was just brilliant; that you were so smart to use the credit card over the phone and therefore there would be less chance of you getting caught. That just goes to show how incredibly stupid you are. Thankfully our credit card company was alerted right away to your 'brilliant act' and knew it was not in our nature to make withdrawals with our credit card. Luckily we will not owe the money but you have made this quite an inconvenience for us.

Have you ever heard the saying "What goes around, comes around"? You might just want to keep that in mind when you're doing another selfish act like this. Fate has a way of levelling the playing field...

Oh, and another thing you coward, why don't you try and be like the rest of us and get a real fucking job! Enough said.

Eighth Finish For 2009

Surprise! Can you believe it???? This is my third finish for the month! Yes, I have been very bad and I have wandered away from my current WIPs. Smack! But with all the new Halloween patterns coming out, I felt like stitching a Halloween piece. I knew exactly 'witch' one I was going to do and as I merrily stitched along, I watched Halloween H2O. Seemed appropriate ;o)

This is Stitchie Witchie by Brooke's Books Publishing -

Isn't she cute? I had gotten this piece of Silkweaver fabric (28 count Opalescent Lugana) last year and knew immediately when this freebie came out that I would use it for her. It's called Abracadabra :o)

Now I ran into a few backstitching problems along the way. First off, one ply of white did not show up well on this fabric for some reason. I was quite disappointed. I tried DMC 647 and got the same result. Finally I went with two plies of white and I'm satisfied. The other problem was her nose. Again, it wasn't really showing up well and I didn't want to use two plies on her face. I dug out DMC 435 and used that instead and I think it works just fine :o)

I want to thank everyone who left comments on my previous post. This is a huge venture for me and it means a lot that I have so many wonderful friends supporting me and inflating my ego ;o) Seriously though, I love reading each and every one of your comments. If you just lurk, please take the time to say something. I won't bite. LOL!

I've also had a few people email me about how we faired with Hurricane Bill. To be honest, all we got were heavy rains and wind. When it was over, I never thought much more about it until DH returned from work on Monday night. Apparently there was some damage nearby and today I ventured out to see what happened. This 'was' a road -

The ocean is on the left side and there is a pond/lake on the right. The storm took this road out completely -

I have no idea when they'll begin fixing it. I haven't heard anything.

I was continually keeping my eye on TWC (The Weather Channel) and there were numerous warnings to stay away from the water due to storm surges. What really bothers me is they were showing video footage of people taking their SMALL CHILDREN to the water's edge to watch the storm. WTF? WHY? Why would you, if you were of sane mind, take your young child into a potentially dangerous situation? This really gives me chills after seeing the above damage. I don't think I will ever fully understand why people do such stupid things...

In PB Mourning

Please say it isn't so! PLEASE! PLEASE!

I went to get my hair done last night and this is one of the best salons in town. They make your visit worth the extra money by providing a nice calm atmosphere, including hand massages :o) So I'm sitting in the chair, all nice and relaxed when my hairdresser informs me that the word on the street is that Prison Break is being cancelled! Huh? AND...this will be their last season! WHAT?

When I got home, I did a little digging on the internet and only confirmed what my hairdresser said :o( WHERE the hell was I when this was announced back in January???? In the post, the author states "We all saw this coming..." Well I sure didn't! Or maybe I did and just didn't want to admit it. Sniff!

WHO is the idiot that decided this???? Where am I going to get my PB fix after this???? They fill television with all this reality crap and they're going to take away the one show that has kept my interest enough to want to buy the DVD sets. Where did things go wrong?

Waaaaaaaaaah :o(

So, I'm off to do a bit of mourning. I'm a little verklempt...

For Jake

They have no voice. They cannot talk for themselves. They rely on us to love and take care of them. They are not given choices. Most of the decisions are made for them. They can cry out but there has to be someone there to listen so that they can be heard.

I'm not sure how far this story reached but if you've been watching or reading the news lately, you might have come across it. Believe me; you'll remember if you have. I'll warn you now that there are some strong opinions in this post!

In Minto, New Brunswick, a 73-year-old man took a 'hammer' to six Pomeranian puppies back in April 2008 when the SPCA arrived to seize his dogs. Yes, that's right...a hammer. He killed five of those puppies but somehow, one survived. Although seriously injured, Jake has now found a loving new family.

On February 3, 2009, Judge Patricia Cumming (a woman no less) found this man NOT GUILTY and he was acquitted of all animal cruelty charges in connection to the deaths of the five Pomeranian puppies. NOT GUILTY! Her reasoning? She said "the evidence showed the dogs were rendered unconscious when they were hit with Barton's carpenter's hammer and therefore they did not suffer." I'm sorry but WTF???? WTF is this crap? So if I were to go up to someone and hit them on the back of the head with a hammer, which eventually kills them, can I be found not guilty as well? I know, I know, some people will argue that animals are not humans so therefore it can't be considered the same. That's bullshit!

I was listening to the radio yesterday when I heard the news report again. I'm not sure who said this but basically they stated that the animals were Mr. Barton's 'possessions' and he could 'dispose' of them any way he wished to. Again, I have to say, WTF? What is this world coming to? When were living creatures considered possessions and deemed so little respect? Humans are responsible for domesticating these animals but somehow, we don't want to be responsible 'for' them. We've interfered with their lives, moved in on 'their' territories but we do not value them. These animals breathe the same air as we do but we do not see them as living creatures. If they become a 'problem' or get in our way, we feel we have the right to relocate or 'dispose' of them.

Ronald, one of the puppies killed.

So who is going to stand up and speak for these animals? Yes, we do have groups and organizations across Canada for this but this just goes to show you how little effect they have had so far. We are supposed to be a 'human' race so where is the 'HUMANITY'? Why do the lives of animals have to mean so little? When is the justice system going to open its eyes and make better laws? They probably won't because it's easier just to stand there with their eyes shut. We need stricter animal cruelty laws in Canada and we've been saying that for years now. When is this going to change?

If I was ever ashamed to be a Canadian, this would be the time. What am I going to do about it? I have no idea. If someone can point me in the right direction please do so and I'll do what I can. But I know one person can't change the world and what's sadder yet, what if that world just doesn't want to change?

The Arm Pit Of Canada

Where's that you ask? Here. Right here. I've always joked that we lived in the arm pit of the country but after this week, I KNOW we do!

Now don't get me wrong, this city has a low crime rate, it's easy to get around and it's the most beautiful city in the province. But as far as variety goes, it...SUCKS! You go out to buy clothes; every store has the same thing. If there's something specific you're looking for, you're never going to find it. Want something different or unique? If you're lucky, you 'might' find it but that's after spending approximately five hours of shopping from one end of the city to the other.

DH and I decided to install a closet organizer in the extra bedroom to...well, organize it ;o) Everything had been so difficult to get to. My books were beneath heavy boxes or high up on the shelf. Our box full of wrapping paper, bows and tags had been buried under anything that was thrown into the closet. Not the easiest thing to get to. Items I had picked up for finishing projects were all over the place!

So my idea was to find some magazine holders, boxes or baskets to make the space on the new shelves more efficient. Sounds easy doesn't it? HA! Over the past week, DH and I, together or separately, have been to FIVE of the bigger stores in the city. You would 'think' that after seeing all these great products by Debbie Travis or House & Home that it would be a piece of cake to pick up these items. I'd rather gouge out my eyes!

Why does something so easy end up being so difficult? It's because of where we live. This city dislikes change. Why have five McDonald's, only two kinds of grocery stores, more dollar stores than you can shake a stick at and so many Tim Horton's that it's like they multiply overnight? It's because they're the same and they're safe. The city threw a hissy fit when Winners wanted to open a store here and we're almost one of the last major cities to 'finally' get a Home Depot, Michael's, and Eastside Mario's.

The new stores are still under construction and whether they will last or not remains to be seen. It's about time that this city grew up and grew some balls though! Unfortunately that does not fix my current situation but at least it gave me a chance to rant ;o)

I'm Going To Have A BF!

Yes, that's right! A Bitch Fit! I'm at the end of my rope with LTD and work and it's about time that I had one. I've been nice AND patient enough! I can't believe how many incompetent people are out there, doing jobs that they are not even qualified for. Okay, maybe some of them are qualified but it doesn't mean that they can do their job 'well'. It's a good thing that I have a good head of hair because if not, I would be bald by now ;o) I would LOVE to rant and rave about what is going on but I had better not just in case there are little spies out there. No sense spoiling the fun and giving away any surprises from this camp...

On the stitching front, I've been smokin'! On the weekend I started and finished my first PIF work of art :o) Renee if you are reading this, STOP! What you are about to see is your surprise ;o)

As I was flipping through magazines, I came across this simple mitten pattern and the idea formed in my head to make a pair into an ornament! The pattern can be found in the Leisure Arts The Magazine, October 1991 issue. I have changed the colors and a bit of the design and I'm so pleased with the outcome. I might have to squeeze in some time to make a pair for myself ;o) Now it will be onto the next PIF project!

Gathering Eggs got her share of the attention as well :o)

I love the colors that are in this piece. Nora somehow manages to put together the most garish colors and the results are so beautiful. The colors are happy colors. I'm really enjoying stitching her, seeing that stitching is the only thing keeping me sane lately. And yes, that is a good thing ;o)

In The Doghouse

Pumpkin Day sure didn't turn out as I had hoped or expected :o( There was no parade, official ceremony or award given out. No piles of presents, well wishes or balloons ;o) It basically amounted to this, if it was legal, DH, Brie AND Duncan would have been living out in Duncan's doghouse for the whole weekend! Pickles was the only one that behaved himself, although I do remember a few random rabbit turds being pitched out of his cage to remind me he needed cleaning...

Saturday began with Brie acting out and deciding she would do her throwing up bit to get attention. Little does she realize but this gives the very opposite effect. We figure she does it when the attention is drawn away from her. Either that or else we've got an anorexic dog :o) Duncan decided that he wanted to re-live his puppy years and completely forgot his house training. He ended up pooping AND peeing in the garage :o( NOT a good start to the day. To top that off, DH decided he wanted to play Mr. Fix It and you know where that leads don't you girls! Sigh!

I have to give DH a lot of credit though. He truly does try to do things around the house and I know he'd like to do more if we had the money. But when his new projects far exceed those that have been finished, then Pumpkin (that's me!) has to put her foot down. When DH came home last week with a new fan for our bathroom, I did wince, I admit! Then I was told how simple it would be and that it would only take a few hours on the weekend to accomplish. All he had to do was install the fan in the ceiling, run the exhaust to the outside and hook up the fan to the already existing wires and switch in the bathroom wall. Easy peasy right? HA! Wrong!

When four hours had passed and there was a quietness coming from his work area, I decided to go and investigate. I found DH in the room next to the bathroom starring at the wall...FULL of holes! Okay, for those of you who watched the television sitcom Friends, take yourself back to the episode where Monica and Rachel were living in Joey and Chandler's apartment and Monica was trying to find out what the switch in the kitchen was attached to. Remember all the holes in the wall as she tried to find out where the wire went? Well, picture that on MY walls! I kid you not! The only thing missing were the pieces of paper covering the holes :o) Needless to say, DH finally gave up and I now have a new fan that doesn't work and another unfinished project. Sigh!

Luckily, DH gained some ground when he took me into town on Saturday night. We hit Laura Secord and we stocked up on some much needed chocolate and fudge :o) Did you know that Laura Secord has fudge? It's G-O-O-D! He then took me to Seasons Restaurant for a good feed of Mandarin food. Was it ever good too!

On Sunday, we went for a drive and walked a piece of property that we have been eyeing. It's 4.5 acres and it's mostly hardwood trees. I was very impressed with it and it was so pretty walking through all the fallen leaves. Now whether we can swing selling this place and having everything else fall into place, that's another story. I didn't get as much stitching done over the weekend as I had hoped. I have no idea where the days went! I was so tired Sunday afternoon that I took a nap while DH prepared a wonderful pot roast dinner, topped off with...PUMPKIN PIE! How could I let a wonderful man like that sleep in the doghouse ;o)

Forever In Blue Jeans

Is it just me or is it becoming harder to find the perfect pair of jeans? Over the past eight years, I have hunted high and low for that great pair of jeans that you just can't get enough of. You know, the ones you could sleep in because they are so comfortable but also make your ass look good ;o) Once or twice I thought I might have struck gold but alas, to no avail :o( That perfect style, color, and fit is still out of reach...

Since I have started back to work, I've been forced to set out again on that pointless journey. Lounging around in pajama bottoms and fleece pants for the past two years makes you forget what your shape used to be so I was mortified to find out that I have a drawer jammed full of jeans that do not fit me anymore :o( Oh to be able to cram into that size (_ _) again! What, do you think I was really going to state a size? If I ever get back into a size 6 maybe I will, lol!

As I've already stated, jean shopping is not in my book of fun things to do. It ranks high up there with underwear and dress shopping (please don't let me go there!). Not only are the stores sparse in this area, but the choice of jean styles and colors seem to be longer than the length of our wiener dog and therefore very overwhelming :oS For style you have slim fit, regular fit, boot cut, stretch fit, classic fit, relaxed fit and straight leg. Then, they either fit at the waist, above the waist or below the waist. And then you move on to color - dark, medium or light wash, zebra striped, dark, medium or light stonewashed, indigo and faded. Whew! Are you still with me?

To add insult to injury, I have a big issue with the inseam length that is produced. Most jeans have a 32" inseam but on occasion you are able to find 33", 31.5", 30", 29" or 28". Do they have all lengths in one style? Noooooooooooooooo! That would be TOO easy! On the norm, a 32" inseam is too long for me. The ends of the pants are almost to my toes. As the saleslady stated "My, you do have short little legs!" Humph! Not really. Most of the time a 29" or 30" does the trick but then the jeans are washed and I am left with a pair of high water pants to add to my wardrobe.

Oh to have those button fly Levis back with the knees taken out and the hole in the ass! I guess while I'm at it, I might as well wish for that body that I used to have too :o) I did eventually find a pair of jeans that 'will do' for now. Believe it or not, they are what you call zebra striped. This is an inside joke but I can hear a certain someone, Katie, howling with laughter as she reads this story! LOL!