My Window Into The Past

If you had the opportunity to look through your window, would you? Or would you think, "The past is the past and just let it be."? What if that window provided you with answers that completed some of the puzzle pieces to your life? Would you still turn it down or would your curiosity get the best of you?

About a year ago, I had this opportunity but without really realizing it. One day while talking to my Gram, I stumbled across the fact that my grandfather had kept a journal. When I opened the drawer she kept them in, I gasped when I saw the treasure before me. Inside were dozens of date books and Campfire Notebooks! Do you remember those? :o) My grandfather had kept a daily journal from as far back as when my Dad was a child!

I figured that the best place for me to start was 1970, the year I was conceived :o) I was curious to see what had been written about me when I was growing up. Unfortunately my grandfather died in 1980, so I only had nine years worth of information at my fingertips. It felt very weird at first because I was basically looking into someone's very private thoughts. Even my Gram had never read these journals. I was to be the first.

Through his writing, I got to know my grandfather on a whole different level. The recollections I have of him were after he had his stroke in 1972 so I never really knew the 'original'. The man before the stroke was sweet, loving, humorous and full of the devil ;o) Although some of those same attributes carried over, it's amazing the difference in personality that I witnessed. It's almost like those qualities were muted or toned down. It's incredible the amount of frustration that someone has when your life is changed overnight and I read this in his very own words, although he never really came right out and said it.

I have an even greater respect for my Gram as well. She was completely alone to care for the man she dearly loved and it was A LOT of work. To this day, I have no idea how she did it. Her days were consumed with looking after the needs of my grandfather. But, from what I can tell, their relationship was one of love and we all know what we'd do for a loved one. Throughout his writing, my grandfather talks about my Gram and how pretty or gorgeous she looked. One day I asked Gram if she knew that my grandfather wrote these things and she said no. That's when I found out that she had never read a word of his journals. To this day, the look on her face was priceless when I told her what Grampy wrote about her :o)

Since we lived in another city, there was only so much that was written about me but it was enough to answer a few questions I've always had. It made me feel so warm inside when my grandfather talked about how he loved my big hugs :o) I was always happy to see them. To this day, my Gram is everything to me. I got to relive those vivid and not so vivid moments all over again. The times I spent with them at McKee's Mills (their summer home) are some of my dearest memories. There are days now that I can still remember back and the pictures are so clear in my mind. I can even smell the wild roses that ran along the side of the house :o)

The biggest and most shocking surprise had to do with my grandfather. During the last two to three years of his journals, he started to keep track of certain aspects of his health. If I was a stranger and never knew that he died from prostate cancer, the alarm bells might not have gone off but for me they did and now I'll always wonder "what if". What if he had gotten help right in the beginning, would he have lived longer? I would have gotten to know my grandfather even better while he was alive and my Gram would have had her husband. To this day, she has never remarried. I'll always wonder why he kept this secret to almost the very end. He never really says when he found out his diagnosis but in the last year, it must have been a little too apparent not to have known.

I've let my Gram know that when that day comes, I would like all of Grampy's journals. So far, I seem to be the only one interested in them. One day I plan to read the older ones and who knows what else I'll discover. To me they are a piece of my family history and I am truly blessed to have something like this to go back on. That is part of the reason that I began this Blog in the first place. I keep record of everything I write and who knows, maybe someday it will be important to someone else. My nephews would definitely learn what a sick and twisted mind their aunt has ;o)