Sunday, September 06, 2009

How Many More Tears Can I Shed?

Obviously not enough because they still keep coming :o( Every night I've been crying myself to sleep as I think about how empty our house seems without our little Brie. People say that it does get easier with time, and to a degree I know that it will, but it still doesn't change the fact that the pain is raw. So raw. And to know that Brie is not there to lick the tears from my face anymore just kills me from the inside.

DH and I had taken Brie to our vet back in New Brunswick to do the awful deed. Dr. B is a compassionate soul; very understanding of our situation and had done everything he could along the way in order to help Brie live the best life since her operation. We sat down and talked to him before we actually went through with our decision and I know deep down that it was the right one for her.

Since then, I have been beating myself up about this whole situation though and how I treated Brie in the past. I hate the fact that I would scold her or yell at her when she did something wrong or just something that would irritate me. I hate the fact that I was the one that made the appointment and that I was the one that held her as she died. It was making me feel like the biggest betrayer and a complete failure to Brie.

But last night I realized something. I realized that it was much easier to remember the bad times and to focus the anger and hurt towards myself. MUCH easier. DH kept suggesting that I try to remember all the good times we had together but that's where the problem lies. Every night when I close my eyes, I want to erase those wonderful images from my mind because my heart literally feels like it's breaking because I know I will never have any of them again :o(

Gone are all the games of tag we played around the kitchen island. Gone are all the nights we cuddled on the couch together. Gone are all the walks and shopping we did. Gone are all the travels we did to Maine. Gone are all the Christmas mornings where Brie would find her gifts under the tree and rip them open. Gone are all welcome homes.

Brie was special in so many ways and she made a great impact on a lot of people, myself included. Our family seems so small now. Duncan misses his little sister and we're doing our best to give him extra attention. I've been overwhelmed by the heartfelt kindness you all have showed and I do want to take the time to thank you. Right now DH and I continue to grieve in private so I won't be answering any emails or commenting on any Blogs for awhile. I hope I don't lose any readers because of this but I won't be gone forever.


26 comments:

Daffycat said...

It gets better, Cathey. The tears will dry and you will be able to remember the happy times. I cried over your loss and I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope you know we will all be here when you are ready to come back. ***hugs***

Anonymous said...

Those times are not gone - they will always be in your heart, where they belong and where they have been, are and always will be cherished & loved, just like Brie....

(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Courtney said...

I can not even imagine what you are going through right now...losing a pet is so hard, and only pet parents can understand this!! My mini schnauzer Peyton and I will keep you in our thoughts...

Sharon said...

Please take all the time you need-we'll be here. You have lost a dear family member. However hard it is don't beat yourself up about making the decision you did. You gave Brie compassion, companionship and lots and lots of love. I am sure she could not have had a better owner than you.

Perri said...

My thought's are with you - totally understand, as we have critter kids also. (Visiting via Cindy's blog.)
Think happy thoughts, P

Rachael said...

(HUGS) I think we'll all be here when you are ready to come back to blogland

Harmien said...

We'll all be here when you come back, Cathey, you take the time you need!! Take care of each other. Just know that you gave Brie a warm and loving home and took care of her until the very end, not wanting her to suffer. That's love! Betrayal and failure have nothing to do with it!

cjeddy said...

Cathey, I've been where you are and I know what you're going through. You have to know you made the best decision for your Brie! It is better that way than to have her suffer in any way. And I firmly believe that by you holding her when the time came, she was exactly where she wanted to be. She only knew your love! You did not betray her, you were only thinking of her! Lots of hugs!!

Rebecca (AKA - Rebel In Ontario) said...

Take all the time you need...we will still be here when you feel like stopping in. {{{Hugs}}}

Tammy said...

aww you made me tear up by your post. Don't worry about your readers we understand and it does get better! Remembering the good times will break your heart for a while but they are the best thing to think about, and to keep her memory. Sit down and talk to your DH about all the good times he probably will have different stories to share with you and that might help you along too.
So sorry for your loss and Just remember that she will always be in your heart forever!

~Tammy said...

Your hurt and loss is in it's rawest state right now - fresh. You will, at some point, get to where the pain will not be so all consumming, but the missing Brie, will always be there.

You loved her as best you could, and as much as it doesn't seem so right now. Making the tough decision to end her suffering, you loved her unselfishly. That is what a great pet owner does. You did not prolong Brie's suffering because you couldn't let go. You took the pain you are living with right this minute, to save her from future pain and hurt.

The words are weak, I know. They probably will not ease your suffering and for that I'm sorry.

Try to be kind to yourself. Hugs and love coming from miles away.

WendyCarole said...

((((((((((((((((((((((Cathey)))))))))))))))))))))))))))


I know how you feel

Chiloe said...

You won''t loose any friends over that (or they are not friends at all ;-) ) I don't know what to tell you but Iwant to offer you my friendship through this tough time ... If you need anything, just email me ;-)

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

Colleen said...

You're making me cry :( I'm crying for you because I know the pain you are feeling. Several years ago I lost our precious Miko. She was a 9 year old English Pointer we rescued from the pound when she was 1 1/2 years old. She was my "baby" even though she weighed a good 50 lbs. She was part of our family, just like our kids, and when she suddenly started having bowel and bladder control problems we took her to our vet and he said she had a tumor in her intestines and that nothing could be done! She was gone, just like that! I was devastated. I had made a cross stitch picture of her years before that and I've hung it in every house we've lived in...from one coast to the other. I don't think I'll ever get over losing her, but when I look at that cross stitch or pictures of her, I smile and shed a tear or two but I'm so happy that she was part of our family for a short time. You mustn't blame yourself for your decision. How could you stand to see her suffer or go down hill in front of your eyes? You couldn't have. You loved her enough to have the courage to do for her what needed to be done.

You won't lose any readers. We all care about you and sympathize with you for what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

Rachel S said...

Hugs for you.

Your post had me crying. I know that it's hard to remember the good times with a grieving heart. But you did not fail her. You got the best care possible for her, and you held her when she left. So many people say that they can not be there when their pets go away, but you were brave for her, and you helped her. I know it was hard, cause I been there. The last thing she knew when she left this world was the comfort of your loving arms and that was a gift for you to give her. And she is not angry at you, she knows you did the last kind thing you could for her, and that is not betrayal, not at all.

ohiofarmgirl said...

I am still crying and it has been two months...I miss her so much and she was my daughters dog but while she has been at college Jackie tagged me around all day long...I so miss that. Dianntha

Lisa said...

My heart aches for you! I know how you are feeling as this is something that I have had to do before, my beloved German Shepherd "Blaze" and tabby cat "Skye", and I felt the same emotions afterwards. I dont know why we as humans put ourselves through this type of heartache by owning pets and knowing our time with them will be short, but I know for a fact that I would never give up that time I had with my two babies as they bought such joy to my life. I miss them each and every day.
My thoughts are with you and your family. Take care!
LISA V

TammyK said...

Awww... makes me sad to see you so sad. Bless your heart Cathey.

Jenn's Crafty World said...

Take care Cathey. The good stuff is what you need to remember. You were a good mum to Brie, and we all have those moments of not being perfect with our kids - furry or not. You know that she didn't remember the times she got yelled at, but the times she was loved.
Jenn

Ranae said...

(((hugs)))
I do hope to see you blog again soon

Cindy said...

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

We'll miss you while you are gone, but totally understand :)

Alberta said...

Cathey, we'll all be here when you are ready! {{{HUGS}}}

Terri said...

Hi. Take your time and grieve. We will be here when you are ready to come back. Remember those we loved aren't gone to far from our heart.

Lori-Ann said...

I know exactly how you feel, even though it doesn't help stop the flood of recent vet memories. Thos will be fresh for a while yet. They were for me, but... it really does get easier as your mind adjusts to the reality of it all. It just needs time to mend.
Hugs.

mumzy said...

Cathey, Sweetie, I know you are having a hard time right now, but I agree with the others in that you have to start thinking of the good times with our Brie, she was the sweetest and cutest little pup I know. You know we always loved her from the very first time we saw her. When you get down on yourself, please call us and we can talk. Brie knew you loved her and it was hard to let her go but we know you have saved her from more pain down the road.

{{{Hugs and Love to you and DH}}}

Sonda in OR said...

I know what you mean about being the one holding the pet that is being put to sleep. Last year when we put our kitty cat Pumpkin to sleep, I had some of the same feelings and regrets that you're feeling. It's hard, but those fade and you're left with the fond memories. Hang in there.