This is the million dollar question it seems! Twice in one week, I had two professionals on my team ask me whether I knew if my Chemo was to cure my cancer or buy me some more time. Hmmm...well, I guess I 'thought' it was for a cure but when I really think about it; it was just an assumption on my part. No one has really told me what my outlook looks like.
In the beginning, I think the Oncologist thought it was going to be a fairly open and shut case. Yes, I will always have a chronic health condition and yes I'm at Stage 4 breast cancer but I think their thinking was radiate that bone, rip out those ovaries, put her on some meds and she'll be good to go! I don't think they figured, and neither did we, that we'd have all kinds of other surprises popping up along the way.
I guess I figured, and so did DH, that if I was 'terminal' the Oncologist would have told me. Now, I'm not so sure. It took a long time for them to tell me that I was Stage 4 so I have to wonder if information is being held back. Don't get me wrong, I have a responsibility to ask questions and keep up to date on what's going on with me and my treatment but after much thought, I know why I never brought this question up before anyone else did...
I'm afraid to know. I'm afraid that if it's really bad news, it will obliterate every single piece of hope that I'm hanging onto at this very moment and then things will only get worse. I'll completely shut down and there will be no bringing me back from that dark space that I'll have crawled into. I know it. DH knows it. And that's probably the reason why he's never asked the question himself. He's just as afraid as I am.
I mentioned in my previous post that I had another CT Scan coming up. Well, I had it and we have another glitch :o( Everything remained the same except the lymph node under my left arm. It has only enlarged because of the lumps on my skin (which are not getting any better btw). So, there was no discussion, the Oncologist put me on a different kind of Chemo, hoping that these lumps won't be as tolerable to the new poison.
Yes, that means a change in our defense. Now my schedule is Day 1, Day 8 and then a week off. That's considered a cycle and I've completed one so far. Three cycles are done before another CT Scan is ordered again. Thankfully I tolerated the other Chemo quite well because this one is not as kind :o( I have some new sides effects, none of which are fun, and I've lost quite a bit of weight. The Pumpkin trucks on though!
So that's where things stand here. Fatigue is still my biggest enemy so again, emails are very few. Your comments do keep my spirits up though and I always look forward to reading them :o) I truly appreciate them. I promise I will keep up the fight though. Hey, maybe this should be my new slogan -
47 comments:
Thinking of you and so very proud of your strength! Your positive outlook and honest approach are inspiring. Keep your fighting spirit... xoxo
Oh dear, dear Cathey. I am praying for you. I agree completely with you. My doctor for my pain wants me to not research things he is doing and telling me. He holds some things back and he has told me it is proven that if that is what your brain expects that is what you will get. He wants me to hope, hope, hope. Cathey, I am HOPING for you. I am PRAYING for you. You go girl! That is right. Never, ever give it up! God bless you in this nasty struggle.♥
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. :)
Hang in there, Cathey! Deep in my heart I believe you will be the winner in this battle.Sending warm supportive hugs,
Olga
Pumpkin - good thoughts and gentle hugs sent your way. I know you are doing your best to beat this!
Oh Cathey, I'm still sending hugs and happy thoughts your way. I know you are going to win.
Linda
I am an RN & all I can say is I've seen many miracles ... I remember having one patient that I was told wouldn't make it through the night & by 6am all symptoms reversed ... the patient woke up smiling & laughing ... what a joy! Expect the miracle & watch it happen !!!! I'm praying for you & your family!
Now I do like that slogan, very positive thinking.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Xxxx
Were I close by, I would help in any way I could, even though I am slow and need frequent breaks. I can and do pray for you though and have a lot of folks praying for you as well. Huggles.
I say that if you keep the same attitude you have now you can win this fight, my two younger brothers gave up fighting and lost the battle within months.
I love your new slogan you can kick cancers butt with a positive attitude, good luck my Dear Friend.
Blessings to You and Your Family.
Catherine
Sorry to hear your news but know I'm thinking of you. Hugs
((( huge hugs))) and a bottle of tonic to help combat the tiredness being sent your way .... shall I send some of my curves your way too ????
hope things settle down a wee bit with the treatment and I am here if you need me as always :) love mouse xxxx
This is just so tough. I feel for you and admire your toughness in the face of all of this. Love the cartoon...great attitude. Hoping this new round of treatment is successful. Big hugs to you.
Oh Cathey... A step forward and a little step back. Please don't get discouraged you can beat this! Hugs and prayers.
Oh, Pumpkin...my heart goes out to you and continued good thoughts and prayers are heading your way daily.....
Sounds like the perfect slogan to shout out loud!!
Thinking of you and cheering you on. Hugs!
Oh my God, this isn't that what I wanted to read. But I am sure your positive thinking helps you. You have loving people around you, they give you strength.
I keep you in my prayers and the slogan.... it's the right one!
Big hugs from Germany
As a breast cancer sufferer myself I can say this; so I hope you can take it in sense of hope and realism that it comes with. It doesnt matter if it is terminal; that is just a lable. A friend of mine is 'terminal' and 12 years later she is still here and she is still terminal. F*ck it all: we are all ruddy terminal; we are only leaving this world one way my darling; but how and when depends on you. And from my experience you will know when it is time and until then, petal: Live! Live life with knobs on! When I as having my radiotherapy I had to stay in the centre in Galway, away from home because my nearest hospital is two hours away. While I was away from my children I got a phone call that told me my uncle had died. He was renovating a barn and the roof fell on him. Being English and loving Irony and even though I was filled with grief, I thought to myself, here I am scared stiff of cancer and actually it is bloody roofs we have to be worried about. So just live today. That is all we can do: each and every one of us cancer or not: and keep away from barn roofs ;-)
So, each day you wake up work alongside the tiredness and look after yourself and have fun and make memories with that lovely little boy of yours. And if you end up with 12 years of memories, so much the better xxxxx We are all with you 100000000%. We need you to keep going and dont let the fear take over.
My thoughts and prayers are with you & your family. Continue to be strong and expect the best. xox
ho sweetie, I'm sorry to read this question arrived in your mind :-/
you should try and erase it...
you should try to stay optimistic that's a big part of the recovery
keep being strong (I know it's easy to say)
we are all behind you, with you
lot's of love
xxxxxxxxx
I love your slogan!! That's the attitude to keep ;)
Stay focus on the good and positive sweetie!!
I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Big hugs.
Sending you best wishes and prayers!
Hugs,
Tatyana
Cathey, you continue to be in my prayers. ((((hugs))))
Cathey,
I love the slogan... Here is my slogan: Cancer!!!!Leave Cathey alone...
You hang in there...You have many reasons to keep up the fight...Family, Friends and many many people who are praying for you...
may hugs for you my sweet friend...
((HUGS)) and lots of prayers for you and your hubby and of course Junior. I can't even imagine how scary it is to know or even want to know if it's terminal. I sure hope not. I really love that picture with the saying. It says it all! Take care my dear!
Pumpkin, I wish you every good thought and send every good prayer your way. That slogan is perfect!
Sending you all my hugs and keeping you in my thoughts. xxxxx
I really don't know what to say!!
I'm keeping my thumbs up for you...
I'm hoping and hoping a good outcome will come soon.
Stay strong ♥
Many love hugs from the Netherlands
Hi Pumpkin. I've slowed down on following blogs these days. Takes way too much of my precious time to get other things done. But when I do check, I check yours. You've struck the hearts of all of us, I'm sure. So glad you keep us posted. This horrible, horrible disease can hit anyone of us at any time. The courage and tenacity you display is unlike any other I've ever seen. I wouldn't ask questions either. I wouldn't want my brain to "accept" whatever timeline someone gives me. Don't ask...just keep on keepin on. You've got a lot to live for and You and your DH know it. I pray for you as many do, I am sure. Don't push too hard, but just enough to let your body know that it's not the boss of you! Take care!
Pumpkin you are in my prayers. I have been reading your blog for awhile but haven't posted. You have that beautiful baby to live for so you keep fighting!!! I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers. Pat
Pumpkin I just love your spirit. Cancer CANNOT **** w/that! Love the new slogan, just too perfect.
Continuing to pray for you and yours. Sending you healthy, healing thoughts every day.
Luv, MaryO San Pedro, CA
Just want to let you know I think of you often and pray for you every night. I can't imagine all you are going through, but you sound like a very strong woman, much stronger than I would be. Just keep telling that cancer that it did choose the wrong bitch and keep a positive attitude...much easier said than done at times I am sure. Again, sending prayers and well wishes to you and your family. Stay strong.
I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best. <3
That must have taken a lot of courage for you to write out, Pumpkin! And I think you have an unlimited amount of courage. I will send you any courage that I have also and send you many hugs along with it.
Give your sweet little one a kiss from me, please!
I'm sure this was a hard post to write, Cathey. I so wish I could do something for you other than offer my thoughts, prayers, and support... I don't know how I would feel about knowing what lies ahead if I were in your position. Everyone reacts differently, I'm sure.
I know you and know you will keep up the good fight... Sending you a big hug and all good thoughts, my sweet friend. Miracles do happen every day!
I'm so, so sorry. The whole thing really effing blows. My heart is breaking for you and I wish I could do something to make things better. :( We're all here to support you in any way that we can. *hugs*
I am so sorry for you and for your family. I am just letting you know that you have been added to our prayer list. Why things happen like this I wish I knew the answer.
I have been reading your blog for quite a while and have really enjoyed it and I still do. I will keep in touch, when you feel like please try to keep us up to date. We wish all good things. God bless you.
Don't ask the questions you don't want Aswered.
Prayer,optimism,faith,strength,courage and will power can keep you in this race for your loving family and friends.
Lean on us as long and hard as you need to. We'll support you cuz you are just that special!
I am wishing you a well day filled with hope, happiness and a laughing baby.
I think we ask questions when we are ready for the answer. I hope you are tolerating the drugs better and I do love your new logo. Perfect.
Continued prayers for healing.
Frances
Pumpkin, this is a great slogan. I am glad to hear you are remaining positive. I am thinking positive thoughts about you and your family.
That's an awesome logo. Hugs to you. I'm always thinking about you!
I think your new slogan is awesome too!
I'm not sure that I'd be asking those questions either. On the other hand, as a health care professional, I've seen many patients labelled as "terminal" beat the odds. Like so many others, I wish there was more I could do to help. For now, I'll continue my prayers. Faith is a powerful tool.
Thinking of you Cathey.
My heart goes out to you and your family Cathey. You are a brave woman with an amazing spirit. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, hugs!
I haven't read blogs for months and decided I would see what a few of my favorite bloggers had been up to. As a survivor I thought that I must check in with Pumpkin.
So sorry to read your latest post. What a fight you have to fight. I so respect and admire you attitude and tenacity. Keep up the fight, girl! Everything isn't predictable.
Bobbi
P.S. love your little sign at the end of your post. Great motto to adopt.
Dear friend...it is normal to have these fears and questions, so don't sweat it. What matters is how you let the fear affect you and your family...your new slogan is a wonderful attitude to adopt and one I whole-heartedly support. You and your sweet family are always in my thoughts and prayers, Cathey...and I hope you know that much love and healing wishes are being sent your way from Blogland and beyond!
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