What Cancer Is Not...

And that is stupid. As far as mine goes anyway. Apparently the one I have is a Harvard graduate! Lucky me ;o)

Let me back up a bit so that you will be caught up in my 'life's little drama'. In my A Much Needed Rant post I had mentioned that I was going to have a CT Scan. I got my blood work done beforehand but because my creatinine levels (has to do with kidney function) were so high, they could not use the dye during the scan and therefore, the scan was not as detailed as we would have liked :o(

What the scan did reveal was that I had a mass pressing against my left ureter (the tube that connects the kidney to the bladder) :o( Sound familiar? They brought me in on Sunday, August 18 for what I expected to be a routine procedure; they were going to replace my right stint and put in a stint on my left side...again.

All was not right with the world when I woke up :o( When the doctor was attempting to put in the left stint, there was too much blood so it was aborted. The next day I went in for another procedure where they go in through your back. The stint was put in but the doctor also 'installed' a Nephrostomy Tube so that my kidney could drain properly (the mass even tightened the stint too much for my kidney to work properly). To make a long story short, I was on the table a third time to stop an arterial bleed and the doctors also put in a larger Nephrostomy tube. So after five days in the hospital, I was finally home with a pretty battered body and an annoying drainage sack in tow. Sigh!

This past Wednesday, DH and I drove into the 'big city' and met with my Oncologist, Radiologist and Urologist. I have quite the entourage now! See how special I am? ;o) We got down to the nitty gritty this time, asking some of those difficult questions, and this is where I stand as of today...

I had mentioned before that my right leg was swollen and that we were looking at the possibility of radiation; that is not going to happen because it won't fix the problem. Now my left leg is as swollen as my right and I have very limited mobility :o( I'm now carrying and extra 20 pounds of liquid around with me. Imagine attaching a ten pound weight to each leg and trying to go about your normal day. That's basically what it's like for me. The doctor explained that Chemo would be the only way I would get rid of this swelling. That's if the Chemo worked...

The cancer lesions on my chest are...horrific. I won't candy coat it. It is spreading at a fast rate and new spots have appeared on my back. It's like someone has taken a bandage and tightened it as tight as they can around my chest. Add in a third degree burn sensation and you might have a 'slight' idea of what I see, feel and deal with each day. Chemo will be the only way that this would get better. And that's if the Chemo worked...

Today I will try another new Chemo, Gemcitabine. This is my fourth or fifth Chemo and the last attempt to prolong my life. Yup, we're at the bottom of the barrel as my Oncologist says :o( If this doesn't work, I'll be taken off Chemo altogether and left to wait. I'm told that this cancer won't kill me through some major organ but that it will slowly suck the life out of me. How come I didn't get that cancer that never made it passed Grade 6? Why did I get the Harvard graduate?

The new Chemo will be one day a week for three weeks with one week off. It doesn't filter through the kidneys so we're hoping that it will give my guys a much needed rest and therefore, my creatinine levels will continue to stay low. Unfortunately right now I'm battling with my hemoglobin. I'm down to 85 and if that goes any lower I may be looking at another blood transfusion :o(

To say that I'm frustrated, tired and angry is an understatement. DH and I have been having some much needed conversations and there's plenty more to look after but I need my body to cooperate with me! I may be in bed a lot but my spirit is still high and my fight is as strong as ever. I want to kick this MOFO's ass!!!! I know my cancer will never be cured but I will fight for more time, whether it be a month, six months or a year. I don't like it when something or someone else tries to take over. This is MY LIFE and I will decide how things go, right up to the end.

I'm going to stop now because this post is getting way too long. One more thing before I go...I want to thank you so much for your comments, emails and cards. I can't explain how much they have meant to me. Just knowing that I have so many people backing me makes me feel that much stronger. Please continue your good thoughts and prayers because I do truly appreciate them :o) I've been trying to respond to each of you but there are times when I do get behind. I know you understand. I also want to welcome my new Stalkers! I'm glad you've stopped by and I hope you will continue to do so. ((((HUGS)))) to all of you!

Ninth & Tenth Finish For 2012

Yes, I'm still trying to catch up on showing you my finishes from last year! Hopefully I'll be done soon so you can see what I have stitched in 2013. Maybe someone can light that fire so I can back my butt into it. Otherwise, at this rate, it will be 2014 before you see anything that I have done this year ;o) LOL!

Finish nine is called Humble Gratitude by 4 My Boys -

This chart was handed down to me by Sharon after she finished it herself and I want to thank her for her kindness. I love this pattern and why wouldn't I seeing as there is a pumpkin in it ;o)

In honor of Sharon, I would like to do a RAK and send this pattern off to someone else that would like to stitch it. If you are interested, please say so in your comment and I'll pick a name (if more than one person would like it) and let you know in a few days. Please make sure I have a way to contact you if you are the lucky person.

My tenth finish is Peep by Lizzie Kate -

This is just cuteness. The pattern came with the fabric and I used the recommended threads. I see this one finished as a cube. When will that get done? HA! I doubt anytime soon... A girl can dream though ;o)

There are six more projects left to show so expect pictures very soon! I also have my appointment with the Oncologist tomorrow so I will be posting an update after we know more as to what is going on with me. I'll be honest, your thoughts and prayers are certainly needed at this time :o(

A Much Needed Rant!

I'm not sure just how much more I can take... A journey is one thing but when it turns into a rollercoaster ride, that's another. You can't get off those as easily and the constant ups and downs are enough to drive you crazy. I want to scream, curse, cry, shout and literally curl up in a ball; never to re-immerge. I want to yell that life isn't fair but that doesn't change a thing. One day cancer is going to kill me and I have no control :o( Nada.

Awhile ago DH and I thought that things were looking positive. It seemed like the Calyx was working and the spots on my chest looked as if they were getting better. I made the mistake of letting my guard down. I was beginning to think that this could be the right drug and maybe remission was possible but how wrong I was. This past weekend I found a group of spots on my back, very similar to the early stages of the ones on my chest. It does not look good :o( This Friday I'll have another CT Scan to see what's going on. I doubt it will be good news.

To add insult to injury, it looks like my Chemo will be put off. Right now I have a swollen lymph node in my right leg that's causing it to swell big time. In order to reduce it, the doctors are talking radiation. Okay, I can handle that. The problem I have is that I will have to be away from Junior and my Chemo is put on the back burner; both for an unknown amount of time. Due to the type of Chemo I'm taking, it cannot be given at the same time as radiation. So basically I'm gambling; fix the leg but risk being unprotected or continue on with my Chemo and live with the disability the swelling is causing. How do we know if we've made the right choices?

I can't explain to you how hard it is to watch your life go by, only to know how it's going to end. I suppose only people in this situation know what I'm talking about. I look at Junior every day and wonder how much of his life I'm going to miss. Will I make it to his fifth or twelfth birthday? Will he remember his mother and know how much she loved him? Will he resent me for dying and leaving him alone without a mother?

I know my little man will be in good hands :o) This is not easy for DH either and I think he's terrified of the idea of being a single parent. My parents just bought a house here and will continue to live here as long as they are needed (they still have their home in NB). I've totally changed their lives even though I'm being reassured that this is what they want to do. I'm very blessed and grateful that they are here for us but it's still not easy for me to see what I've done to them. What's it like for them knowing that their only child has cancer and that they might outlive me?

Oh how I want to just break down and have a temper tantrum! To kick my legs and flail my arms about, all the while screaming "Why?" Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I end up with cancer? Why do I deserve this? Why do I have to be taken away from my DH and DS? Why can't I have another ten years to watch my child grow?

At least my suffering will end someday. What I worry about most are those that are left behind :o( How are they going to cope? Will I be able to watch over them? I'd like to think so but that's a whole other conversation for another time. Thanks for listening if you've gotten this far ;o)

Sweet 1-6

Can you believe that Junior turned 16 months old today? My little baby is now a toddler and I have no idea where the time has gone. My little bundle of joy is much bigger than when he was first born but at least I can still hold him in my arms :o)

It's been awhile since I've posted about Junior so I figured I'd give you a fix and you can see just how much he has grown.

This child is so smart. I have no idea where he gets it from! One day it was raining and he brought his shoes to DH because he wanted to go out. DH told him that it wasn't nice out and 'if' he were to go out, he would have to wear his boots (of course DH didn't think that our little man would understand any of this). The next thing DH sees is Junior standing in front of him with his rain boots in hand! LOL! At this point, he couldn't deny the child ;o)

Junior LOVES bubbles! It's one of the words he can say too :o)

He also loves eating them... We have no idea why he's driven to do this. We have no idea why he won't eat a perfectly good vegetable but then he turns around and eats a handful of rocks, no questions asked. Sigh! LOL! He is one complex little man. But he makes us laugh and it warms our hearts so that's all that matters.

Thank you for all the lovely comments you left about Roses :o) I enjoyed reading every comment. I want to welcome some new Stalkers and I hope you'll continue to come by for a visit. I've made some time to visit some Blogs so you may see me out and about the Blogging world. I can't tell you how much I have missed reading what everyone has been up to :o)

Long Overdue Stitchy Post

It's been SO long since I've posted anything remotely related to stitching that I hang my head in shame. LOL! Do not fear though because this Pumpkin still has a needle in hand and has been working on a number of different projects :o) Now to just light that fire under my a$$ and take some pictures...

For awhile I have been promising you an updated picture (sorry it's so dreadful) of Roses Of Provence by Mirabilia so here she is -

Her dress has expanded since my last update. I've also done more since this picture was taken but I've also taken a break from her. Not to worry, I'm not getting sick of her! I just find that in the heat of the summer, I stick to smaller projects and she's not as portable either. My hands are itching to get back to her though and I'm sure it won't be long before they do. I miss her :o)

So, has everyone gotten their JCS Halloween special edition magazine yet? There are some beautiful projects in there but I was a bit disappointed though because there didn't seem to be a lot of ornament sized pieces. Am I the only one that thought this? I can tell you one thing though, I absolutely LOVE Ghoul Tidings by Plum Street Samplers! BTW, there is an error on the chart for this design. Now to patiently wait for the Christmas ornament issue...

I want to thank everyone for sharing your tricks on how to keep on top of Blog reading now that Google Reader is gone. I've checked out the other sites that were mentioned and I'm still not sure what I'm going to use yet. For right now I'm going to stick with Bloglovin' but it doesn't mean that I'm happy with it ;o)

Blog-Not-So-Lovin

I see that everyone is changing over to Bloglovin because Google Reader was done earlier this month. Why? Why mess with a good thing???? Anyway, I have joined the bandwagon and added a button for Bloglovin on the right side of my Blog (just scroll down a bit). If you're not following me on it already, please add me now :o) I already moved things over myself but I see there are a few Blogs that were missed so I'm slowly getting them all back.

Today while I was browsing Bloglovin, I noticed there are now adds on there >:o( This does NOT make me happy. Why? Again, why did they have to go and mess with a good thing???? Has anyone found an easier way to keep track of their favorite Blogs? I see that there is an option to Follow By Mail. I wonder how well that works. Has anyone tried it? I'm going to put a poll on the right side of my Blog and I would appreciate if you would put your two cents worth in and lmk what you think :o) Thanks!

PS - Don't forget to follow my Pumpkin Patch & Co Graveyard Blog as well!

Junior & The Flatulent Monkey

If that didn't get your attention, I don't know what would! LOL!

As promised, here's a recent picture of Junior -

The monkey belongs to his cousin and it's got to be THE MOST hilarious thing I have ever seen! Aside from the fact that it looks like a completely psychotic toy, turn it on and it gets even better. The monkey starts laughing hysterically; then the next thing you know, he's letting out a ripper of a fart :o) Very contagious although Junior was a bit skeptical about the whole thing.

It came from the UK so I'm not sure if it's available in North America or not. I did find an online listing for it here :o) If you want to see him in action, he's on You Tube as well -

Now not to be outdone by that little devilish monkey, I'll leave you with another picture of Junior -

This was taken at my birthday and we had ice cream cake this time. As you can see, he didn't hold back with the mess quite as much ;o)