I'm not sure just how much more I can take... A journey is one thing but when it turns into a rollercoaster ride, that's another. You can't get off those as easily and the constant ups and downs are enough to drive you crazy. I want to scream, curse, cry, shout and literally curl up in a ball; never to re-immerge. I want to yell that life isn't fair but that doesn't change a thing. One day cancer is going to kill me and I have no control :o( Nada.
Awhile ago DH and I thought that things were looking positive. It seemed like the Calyx was working and the spots on my chest looked as if they were getting better. I made the mistake of letting my guard down. I was beginning to think that this could be the right drug and maybe remission was possible but how wrong I was. This past weekend I found a group of spots on my back, very similar to the early stages of the ones on my chest. It does not look good :o( This Friday I'll have another CT Scan to see what's going on. I doubt it will be good news.
To add insult to injury, it looks like my Chemo will be put off. Right now I have a swollen lymph node in my right leg that's causing it to swell big time. In order to reduce it, the doctors are talking radiation. Okay, I can handle that. The problem I have is that I will have to be away from Junior and my Chemo is put on the back burner; both for an unknown amount of time. Due to the type of Chemo I'm taking, it cannot be given at the same time as radiation. So basically I'm gambling; fix the leg but risk being unprotected or continue on with my Chemo and live with the disability the swelling is causing. How do we know if we've made the right choices?
I can't explain to you how hard it is to watch your life go by, only to know how it's going to end. I suppose only people in this situation know what I'm talking about. I look at Junior every day and wonder how much of his life I'm going to miss. Will I make it to his fifth or twelfth birthday? Will he remember his mother and know how much she loved him? Will he resent me for dying and leaving him alone without a mother?
I know my little man will be in good hands :o) This is not easy for DH either and I think he's terrified of the idea of being a single parent. My parents just bought a house here and will continue to live here as long as they are needed (they still have their home in NB). I've totally changed their lives even though I'm being reassured that this is what they want to do. I'm very blessed and grateful that they are here for us but it's still not easy for me to see what I've done to them. What's it like for them knowing that their only child has cancer and that they might outlive me?
Oh how I want to just break down and have a temper tantrum! To kick my legs and flail my arms about, all the while screaming "Why?" Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I end up with cancer? Why do I deserve this? Why do I have to be taken away from my DH and DS? Why can't I have another ten years to watch my child grow?
At least my suffering will end someday. What I worry about most are those that are left behind :o( How are they going to cope? Will I be able to watch over them? I'd like to think so but that's a whole other conversation for another time. Thanks for listening if you've gotten this far ;o)
58 comments:
Good girl! You rant and get angry! Then put your big girl pants back on and consider a few things.
Your son has lots of memories of you: photos, this blog, what your dh will tell him. He is half of you: he is you just with a bit extra added. He will inherit aspects of your character and so he will never truley be without you.
Hubby will be fine. He will have a rough time for a little while but he will cope; he will manage. He has to: your son will see to that.
Your family is there to help you and of course they want to be there, just as you would want to be there for Junior.
RE the medical advice: ask the experts, that is what they are there for.
On good days I know that we are all going to die and sometimes having some warning can be a good thing: train the husband, leave memories, birthday cards for the next 50 years, letters for the children, stitching with reflects my character. I sometimes think this is better than just dying out of the blue.
On bad and even on 'normal' day I am not sure. I get scared. Terrified is a better word. I am very high risk of it coming back in the next five years (well, three years now) and I begrudge every second I spend thinking of cancer.
I try to balance the bad days with the thought cancer may kill me....or the chemo brain could lead to me driving into a tree rofl.
Then I see some families who seem to hate their children..they begrudge time spent talking to them, playing with them, even giving basic care and it seriously pisses me off because I love my kids so much and do everything with them but I might be around as long as I would like, then you get families like that who dont seem to give a feck.
And then I think, hey. My kids have had nothing but quality time with me. I listen to them. I still talk and actually enjoy being with my husband unlike a lot of married people I know. So it is quality and not necessarily quantity which counts.
I don't discuss my spiritual believes because they are personal but I can tell you this missus: if my kids ever EVER need me, not even death will stop me coming through from helping them.
But it doesnt help the fear. I know. Just take a day at a time: an hour at a time. Even a minute at a time.
Your son will be fine....he will one day see your blog posts and see the amazing, strong, beautiful loving mother who is respected by the whole of blog land and who is a complete inspiration. And he will know how much you love him.
I wish I could wave a magic wand, I really do. All you can do is your best sweetie: and you are doing that. You are magnificent. Rant all you like, get it out there, cry a bit, shout at the universe and then hug the hubby and go make your little boy smile xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Cathey, you deserve this rant and a lot more.
The system isn't prefect but its what we have. The doctors are doing their best but this isn't as cut and dried as some other cases. Each is unique as you are.
As sad as it is it realize your own mortality, no one knows how long they have. live each day to the fullest, laugh, cry, learn and love and be happy for having the opportunity.
I wish there was something to take away your pain and frustration. Please know that there are oodles of folks praying for you and your family.
Sending you,your family and friends all my prayers.
{{{hugs}}}
My dear sweet friend...my heart is hurting for you and your dear family! I cannot even begin to fathom what you are going through and won't belittle it by trying; but, please know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers daily. I believe that you surely deserve the opportunity to pitch a good ol' temper tantrum...you have been such a trooper through everything that Cancer has thrown at you with the utmost dignity and grace. Believe me, Cath, Junior will never wonder if you loved him and wanted to leave him...he will be surrounded by the devotion you have shown and the home that you have created for him even into your passing...but, you have not taken your last breath yet, and there are still God's special healings every day! I pray that you find peace in whatever comes and know that we are all with you in thought and spirit, my dear!
You go right ahead and SCREAM. You have the need and reason to.
Nothing like what you are going through makes sense. Sending love across the miles...
You know what Cathey? I just read a daily devotional today that made me think of you. It is called Ripe For Glory and it takes 5 minutes. Here is the link: http://www.joniandfriends.org/radio/
Oh Cathey, I honestly don't know what to say. I can't even imagine being in your position and my heart aches to take away your fear, pain and cancer. I haven't been able to even comment on most of your last posts because I'm speechless. You are loved. You are treasured.
Aww honey . Take yourself off and have that tantrum. Then come back and give your boy a big hug.
Of course he will know how much you love him, he feels it right now and no-one will let him forget it or you.
I cannot see that he will resent you for leaving him either , as for sure he will be told how much you fought to be here for him for as along as possible. It must be so hard for you , and I so wish I could do something , anything to help.
Hopefully my thoughts and good wishes will be a little bit of comfort , and I know I'm not the only one .
Take care .
Love and hugs xxxx
You are allowed to rant and rave as much as you need to. I wish I could help you, but just know I'm sending good thoughts for you all the time.
:( I'm so sorry! HUG!!!!!!
You are an amazing lady and an awful lot of ladies have been so inspired by you over the years through your humour, kindness and love. Junior is a very lucky little man to be able to call you his mother. Much love xxxxx
I wish there was something I could say...but there isn't really. I glad you have such supportive family round you but can understand your worries about them.
I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. xx
I am so sorry hon. I can not imagine how it must be having never been thru this. I can cry with you, and send you virtual huggles and send up lots of prayers.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. This weekend I will be walking in the Susan G. Komen 3-day, 60 mile Breast Cancer Walk in Michigan for the 8th time. I do this every year to help raise money and awareness in the fight against breast cancer. This year I will walk in your honor and it is my privilege to do so.
(If you are not familiar with the SGK 3-Day Walk, just Google "The3day.org". It is an amazing event!)
May you find strength, courage, support and love from your family and all of your friends.
Blessing to you and your precious family.
There are few words I can offer you when you are faced with this horrible turn of events and I have never had to face such a thing. I can only say that you have already given a piece of your beautiful self in that wonderfully handsome boy. I will continue to pray that healing is in your future and that your health will turn around.
Much Love and Prayers Nataly
I don't know what to say hun; My heart goes out to you and you just rant and rave all you need to; lord knows you deserve it and those of us who love you will gladly listen and be here for you; I wish there was something I could do or say to make this easier for you; I don't know what I'd do? Your a brave wonderful lady and we will keep you in our prayers and hearts. Just keep your head up hun..
Hugs, Shar
Sending big hugs your way Cathey.
I'm sure that no matter what happens your gorgeous wee boy will know that you love him deeply.
Wishing you all the luck in the world!
I don't even know what to say, other than there's yet another person you've never met that is pulling for you, your husband and your little boy. Everything you went through to become a mom - this hardly seems fair (that's an understatement) Just know that you're not alone, and that so many people far and near are thinking of you and sending thoughts, wishes, prayers, good vibes, whatever. It sucks. It really, really, really sucks. :-(
My friend had stage 3 breast cancer when she was 32 yrs. old. Two small children, a devoted husband. Doctors didn't hold up much hope because it had spread. She celebrated her 63 birthday in June. Never give up. God has a plan. Things can turn around in a heartbeat. Praying for you .. really .. really praying for you!!
I say rant away and get it out. It's good to let a little pressure out once in a while. Anger may not be useful all the time, every day, but you've earned the right to be angry here and there. I can't begin to know what you are dealing with every day. It's awful and I'm sad you've found yourself in this terrible, terrible place. I wish I could do something, anything, to help you out. It's not fair. Your husband and family will be there for Junior and he will always know you through them. He'll always have his own special relationship with you in his heart, no matter what. xoxoxoxoxox
Please know I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family every single day :) I wish there was something I could do for you....life isn't fair but we have to enjoy each and every day as it is.
I can only imagine your fears as they would be my own fears if I had to face what you are. I would worry about my children, my husband and my family too :)
Take care, try to stay positive and do not let this get you down for long. We are all here rooting for you!
Rant on! Cry! I wish I had something to tell you that would give you ease but I don't. Just know that I and many others are holding your hand virtually! You are a strong woman, keep on but don't forget to fall apart now and then.
No one would blame you if you had the mother of all temper tantrums. I know I want to just scream when I read that you find something else. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you and your family. If it helps any, I am praying that you live a very long life...miracles do happen. Hang in there! {{{hugs}}}
Sending big hugs to you. I am so sorry and while I read your post, tears are falling.
I am sure your little boy knows that you love him.
But, please, never give up hope. I have you in my prayers.
Big hugs from Germany
Rant all you want - We are listening !!!! Hugs
My heart aches for you Cathey and you have every right to rant. I have never been in your position and don't presume to know how you are feeling but the frustration and fear needs to come out at some time and what better place than among friends. We will always listen.
Your son will always love you and the legacy you have left him in your blog will show him what a brave and loving mother he has and always will have.
I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.
Sending lots of virtual hugs!!
Cathey,
You rant and rave all you want. It's hard for me to put into words all the thoughts I have in my head.
Know this you are much needed by many. We care and are here for you through the good and rough times.
You just keep being who you are. Your husband, son and family need you and you need them. That is most important!
Hugs to you dear friend...Thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers.
I wish there was something I could say but there isn't. I glad you have such supportive family round you but can understand your worries about them. I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts.
I have no words - just know I"m sending hugs and many prayers your way. You're so strong and I admire you tremendously, but please give in to the ranting occasionally. Surely it helps, even just a little, to get it all out there, and we're all willing to listen and share.
I often want to scream for less than what is happeninig to you...
hooo sweetie, I wish I had the right words, I wish I had a magical wand too, I wish there was something I could do for you
just like everybody said...don't give up
I know it's easy to say but you're so courageous...
don't know how I would react in such a situation :-/
I can easily understand there are some days you want to abandon and that you have 1000 (dark) questions in mind...but when I read Myra's comment I know there's always a ray of sun in a stormy sky
crabs don't like happy bodies & minds
be sure we are all with you, thinking of you, praying for you, supporting you , holding your hand...and we are so many that it surely makes the whole round of the world =)
All my love sweetie
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I don't know that I could say anything more or better than what most everyone has said already! You rant away girl!! And we'll be right here supporting you with thoughts, prayers, and long distance shoulders to lean on!!
Oh Cathey, it makes me so sad to read this. But you rant and rave if it makes you feel better. Ease up on yourself, take one day at a time and don't think about the future and the what if's. It will help.
Linda
Cathey, I realized today I'd not been to your blog foe a bit, so here I am. You rant away!! Cancer sucks!! I am in tears, wanting to help you! I love you, dear woman. Stay strong, have faith, know people the world over are loving on you, supporting you.
Oh Cathey..my heart just aches for you! And I say go for it and scream, cry, hollar...whatever release you need. Life seems so unfair at times..and I don't have any answers. I'm so glad you were able to put this post up...I think it helps to write your feelings down and to know how many friends you have out here in blog land!
Blessings and prayers,
Hug that DH and DS!
Gert
UGH...It does suck! You are a fighter so keep up the fight!
You are surrounded by a beautiful family who obviously love you dearly.
I can only imaging how difficult this must be. I am sending you prayers, good thoughts, and many hugs.
Hi, I've just become a follower and so discovering you... What a shock!!! I shouldn't say this but I'm currently at work typing this message and I'm in tears. I'm so sorry, I cannot imagine how you must feel. Just rest assure you and your family is loved. Big hugs, Ingrid x
The only thing I can tell you is::
Your the best mom.. the best daughter and the best wife..
And also the best friend..
If I read what you al going thrue, it terrible awfull.
We at the other side of the display can only help out by typing sweet things and give you a bit hope..
Your post made me cry..
such a strong womand with a little boy, a very sweet Dh and parents.. how do you do it!!
RESPECT!!!!
I'm thinking of you!
I so wish I had some magic words that would ease your pain and worry. I only have a heart felt hug to send to you and prayers that you will beat this, that even though logic might say one thing, that you will be the exception and concur this. I send prayers and hugs.
Please continue to rant all you want, get it out, share it with us...it is our honor to know you and to share in some small way this journey with you. :)
((hugs))
Rant all you want. You are definitely entitled. You know we can't really know what to do, but know there's a hell of a lot of people in your corner.... and we're all sending you hugs!
What can I say that others haven't already said - just know we are all here for you and rooting for you xx
Cathey, I am so sorry to hear of the latest news, there is not a whole lot I can add to the heartfelt comments that have been left for you. I say rant all you want. Scream, kick, flail and wallow. If it were me I would be wallowing on my back, legs and arms in the air screaming for all I am worth. I think it is a very healthy thing to do because you need to have an actual physical outlet for your feelings. I also think it is good to have some anger, some defiance against that frigging cancer. I don't think you need to go quietly. Being a retired nurse, I can tell you that while cancer is a cruel and unrelenting disease, attitude plays a major role in your prognosis. I lost my father to smoking related cancer back in 1991 when he was 56, one year younger than I am now. When he heard the diagnosis, he pretty much took to the couch and was gone in 5 months. I have also known people with very advanced cancer that have gone on for years, and it seemed to have a lot to do with attitude. I don't think you need to worry about your adorable little boy, your husband and family will see to it that you are never forgotten if that time comes. Your husband will manage because when it comes right down to it, what choice will he have, but you will have prepared him and your family as well as his will help him along. You need to concentrate your efforts and thoughts into being strong and not giving in. I know this is all my lame attempt at a pep talk, and very easy for me to say, but I do believe in my heart that God is with you and is there to help to strengthen and comfort, so enlist his help each and every moment. I do pray for you and your family every day, and it appears you have many friends that are doing the same. You must be a very special person.
That's a good rant and I feel your anger as I'm angry too...really mad arghhhh! I couldn't even imagine going through what you and your family are going through right now. Emotional rollercoaster to say the least. Your son will always have memories of a wonderful mother who fought hard and showered him with love. I believe you will always be with him forever. My heart goes out to you and I'm praying for you as well. Big hugs and tears and love I'm sending your way XOXO
I've only just joined your blog following your visit to mine and was dismayed to read this post.
It is hard to know what to say that hasn't been said already but
I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
Margaret
Your emotions are yours and yours alone! That said, scream, shout, cry, hide, and FIGHT in the name of GOD! He has a plan for you and your family. He puts us through these trials to make us stronger. He is with you every single step of the way during this battle.
Know that I am with you in thought and prayer. I lost my dad almost a year ago to that ugly "c" word and he put up a good fight. While the form he had was non-curable, yours does have a better success rate so don't give up!
All the hugs and prayers to you and yours!
Julie
Oh Cathey, I could scream for you. :0( It's so unfair that somebody as lovely as you has to go through something as crappy as this. I'm so pleased you have such an amazing family. Sending lots of love your way. xXx
I've been thinking of you for so long and I'll continue.
((((((((((Cathey)))))))))
You are in my thoughts dear friend. I share your anger and outrage. I wish that I could carry some of your burden. Just know that I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending well wishes to you , Jr and your DH.
Sending you so many big hugs.
I am so sorry that things are not going to well. Scream and shout all you want too.
I think of you so often and wish I could help you.
You deserve to rant, scream, yell, cry... It needs to be dumped every once in a while in order to go on again. I wish, like so many others, that there was something I could do. But I'm grateful that you have this outlet - there are so many people praying and wishing for you and your family. {{{HUGS}}}
Cathey--you are dearly loved! By God, by your family, by your friends around you, and by this blogging community all over the world. You are covered by our many fervent prayers for your healing. Perhaps by now you have a test result, as I am pretty tardy in reading and replying here. I have witnessed the power of prayer in healing a good friend from so many cancers last year--she is such a blessing to us all! And God can do the same for you! You are a terrific Survivor! Big Hugs!
So sorry you are suffering. I send you lots of love, hugs and prayers. I know that life is all about Love. And I do believe in miracles. Continue to love your son, family and yourself. You are a great mother, wife, daughter and friend. We are hear to listen for you.
much love and hugs Annette
Hello Cathey
I'm a new follower and I just want to add my best wishes to you as well. My heart breaks for you and your husband and gorgeous baby boy.
Sending you strength and hugs from NE England and keeping you in my thoughts xx
I got behind on my blog reading and missed reading this post earlier...
I wish I could take your pain away, heal your broken heart... I will keep my faith that good days will come, it ain't over until it's over so don't stop fighting!! You are strong, keep going, keep moving forward and stay focus on the good stuff!
Things can change, just keep trying your best, stay positive!! You never know what tomorrow will bring, keep your hope my friend!
I just saw your post. Hoping that the scan you took brought better news. I continue to pray that your health will turn around in a positive direction. Much love and good thoughts heading your way.
Carolyn
My dear Cathey...after reading your lines i don't even know what to say...:( I really can't imagine what you are going through...its overwhelming.
I also have a son, who's 2 years old and after read your post i looked at him almost with tears in my eyes thinking about you...nobody should go through this life proof...its too much.
But i have faith that you will turn it around! I don't know you very much yet (alttough i already had read a lot here in your blog) but i know you are a strong girl and even if you think you don't, you have many strenghts! And you will fight this and will be around us for many years! You just look at your baby and family and you hold on on them (that's what family does...we hold on on each others!) and you keep fighiting, ok?? You will be stronger than this!
Lots of love to you!!**
Cathey you rang all you want sweetie. You have every right to. Always thinking of you and hoping you get some positive news from your latest scan.
Hello dear Cathy. I read your post last week and wanted to reflect on it before I posted. I hope these many words of encouragement from so many bring you strength. I am inspired by your courage and tenacity. Although I just recently came upon your blog, I read back into last year...I want you to know you have touched my life. Every day is a celebration, each moment is precious. Live strong, think strong and be strong....with a few deserving rants in between. Your son can be nothing short of proud of the incredible person his mother IS! Thinking of you, DH and darling son, sending prayers and positive vibes your way. BTW he is an adorable little man . :)
Sending you hugs. I hope this doesn't sound trite, but my mom told me when I was at the age to start learning grown up stuff that, as long as someone is around who remembers us, we are never gone. And it gives me a lot of comfort in regards to my gramma, who was stolen from me before I was ready to let her go, because I have that little piece of her in me to pass on to her great-grand-daughter. Your husband will pass that to Junior. And I also think that our loved ones don't leave us. i can't explain it fully, but I feel my gramma in so many ways. I just can't touch her, that I know. If she can come back . . .
Please know I pray for you when I can. I know that we've never met, but I am sorry that you have to go through this, and I keep your family in my thoughts.
I don't know how you have the strength to go on some days... But you do and having your wonderful little man and your family gives you that strength. I think that you have every right to rant and rave and kick and scream... Let it all out... I wish there was a magic wand that we could wave and take all the pain away... All we have is our love and prayers and we will keep on sending them to you in big waves.
Hugs xx
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