I'm not sure just how much more I can take... A journey is one thing but when it turns into a rollercoaster ride, that's another. You can't get off those as easily and the constant ups and downs are enough to drive you crazy. I want to scream, curse, cry, shout and literally curl up in a ball; never to re-immerge. I want to yell that life isn't fair but that doesn't change a thing. One day cancer is going to kill me and I have no control :o( Nada.
Awhile ago DH and I thought that things were looking positive. It seemed like the Calyx was working and the spots on my chest looked as if they were getting better. I made the mistake of letting my guard down. I was beginning to think that this could be the right drug and maybe remission was possible but how wrong I was. This past weekend I found a group of spots on my back, very similar to the early stages of the ones on my chest. It does not look good :o( This Friday I'll have another CT Scan to see what's going on. I doubt it will be good news.
To add insult to injury, it looks like my Chemo will be put off. Right now I have a swollen lymph node in my right leg that's causing it to swell big time. In order to reduce it, the doctors are talking radiation. Okay, I can handle that. The problem I have is that I will have to be away from Junior and my Chemo is put on the back burner; both for an unknown amount of time. Due to the type of Chemo I'm taking, it cannot be given at the same time as radiation. So basically I'm gambling; fix the leg but risk being unprotected or continue on with my Chemo and live with the disability the swelling is causing. How do we know if we've made the right choices?
I can't explain to you how hard it is to watch your life go by, only to know how it's going to end. I suppose only people in this situation know what I'm talking about. I look at Junior every day and wonder how much of his life I'm going to miss. Will I make it to his fifth or twelfth birthday? Will he remember his mother and know how much she loved him? Will he resent me for dying and leaving him alone without a mother?
I know my little man will be in good hands :o) This is not easy for DH either and I think he's terrified of the idea of being a single parent. My parents just bought a house here and will continue to live here as long as they are needed (they still have their home in NB). I've totally changed their lives even though I'm being reassured that this is what they want to do. I'm very blessed and grateful that they are here for us but it's still not easy for me to see what I've done to them. What's it like for them knowing that their only child has cancer and that they might outlive me?
Oh how I want to just break down and have a temper tantrum! To kick my legs and flail my arms about, all the while screaming "Why?" Why did this have to happen to me? Why did I end up with cancer? Why do I deserve this? Why do I have to be taken away from my DH and DS? Why can't I have another ten years to watch my child grow?
At least my suffering will end someday. What I worry about most are those that are left behind :o( How are they going to cope? Will I be able to watch over them? I'd like to think so but that's a whole other conversation for another time. Thanks for listening if you've gotten this far ;o)