Waiting For A Cure Or Buying More Time?

This is the million dollar question it seems! Twice in one week, I had two professionals on my team ask me whether I knew if my Chemo was to cure my cancer or buy me some more time. Hmmm...well, I guess I 'thought' it was for a cure but when I really think about it; it was just an assumption on my part. No one has really told me what my outlook looks like.

In the beginning, I think the Oncologist thought it was going to be a fairly open and shut case. Yes, I will always have a chronic health condition and yes I'm at Stage 4 breast cancer but I think their thinking was radiate that bone, rip out those ovaries, put her on some meds and she'll be good to go! I don't think they figured, and neither did we, that we'd have all kinds of other surprises popping up along the way.

I guess I figured, and so did DH, that if I was 'terminal' the Oncologist would have told me. Now, I'm not so sure. It took a long time for them to tell me that I was Stage 4 so I have to wonder if information is being held back. Don't get me wrong, I have a responsibility to ask questions and keep up to date on what's going on with me and my treatment but after much thought, I know why I never brought this question up before anyone else did...

I'm afraid to know. I'm afraid that if it's really bad news, it will obliterate every single piece of hope that I'm hanging onto at this very moment and then things will only get worse. I'll completely shut down and there will be no bringing me back from that dark space that I'll have crawled into. I know it. DH knows it. And that's probably the reason why he's never asked the question himself. He's just as afraid as I am.

I mentioned in my previous post that I had another CT Scan coming up. Well, I had it and we have another glitch :o( Everything remained the same except the lymph node under my left arm. It has only enlarged because of the lumps on my skin (which are not getting any better btw). So, there was no discussion, the Oncologist put me on a different kind of Chemo, hoping that these lumps won't be as tolerable to the new poison.

Yes, that means a change in our defense. Now my schedule is Day 1, Day 8 and then a week off. That's considered a cycle and I've completed one so far. Three cycles are done before another CT Scan is ordered again. Thankfully I tolerated the other Chemo quite well because this one is not as kind :o( I have some new sides effects, none of which are fun, and I've lost quite a bit of weight. The Pumpkin trucks on though!

So that's where things stand here. Fatigue is still my biggest enemy so again, emails are very few. Your comments do keep my spirits up though and I always look forward to reading them :o) I truly appreciate them. I promise I will keep up the fight though. Hey, maybe this should be my new slogan -

Where Or Where Has Pumpkin Been?

I know I promised you an update awhile back and I apologize it's taken me this long to do so. When I 'do' get computer time, I'm either answering emails (only a few), updating my Blog (rarely), checking in on other Blogs (not a lot) or keeping up to date as to what's going on in the cross stitching world. Hey, at least I still have that craving from time to time ;o)

Four weeks ago I ended up sick after my Chemo treatment (I think it was a bug) and it took a HUGE chunk out of me. My mood drastically darkened because of this and I had a hard time digging myself out of that hole. When Junior's birthday rolled around, it was like "I've been living with this crap for a year now! When will it ever end?" The last thing I want to do is think about cancer on my son's big day. Another reason to hate this disease so much >:o(

I had hinted in a post awhile ago that I had some positive news and I do! Back in February I had a new CT Scan and when they compared it to the ones I had in October and December, it showed that my tumors had either disappeared or shrunk in size :o) This was super news but it was darkened by 'another' setback...

Since January, I had been developing these lumps on my skin around my left breast. I had a biopsy done and it was concluded that they were cancerous. D'uh! I knew that. What they didn't do was examine to see if they were the same kind of cancer we're dealing with or if it's something new. Whatever the outcome, the lumps didn't seem to be responding to the Chemo and kept spreading and growing larger :o(

We met with my Oncologist and he felt that because the tumors on the inside were responding well to this Chemo that we would continue on with it. That means it is a wait and see game with the lumps on my skin. They are very painful and I have one that is quite large to the side of my breast. This coming week I'll get that sucker radiated so hopefully that will help. DH and I have noticed that some of the lumps have shrunken and they haven't spread in the past month so we're hoping that's good news.

Also this coming week, I'm going to have a new CT Scan. We're hoping things will look even better and then maybe we'll get an end date for my Chemo. That would be so nice! Even though I seem to be tolerating it pretty well, I'm SO tired! I sleep a lot. I could sleep even more but I don't want life just passing me by.

Every day it seems like I'm living on a fine line; one where I have to balance things just right or else everything just comes tumbling down on me. Yes, I am getting tired of this whole thing; mentally AND physically. I want cancer out of my life. I know it won't be gone completely (it will always be on my mind) but even if I didn't have to have Chemo treatments anymore would be a vast improvement ;o)

I want to thank everyone again for their wonderful emails and comments, even if I don't get back to you straight away. My Blogging Buddies are never far from my mind and I'm always wondering what you're up to. I miss you all and I'm glad that you've stuck around to keep me coming back :o) A HUGE ((((HUG)))) goes out to you all!